When I Became a Mom
In a recent blog post, I wrote, “If you see a steady flow of current updates alongside old photos and flashbacks from the kids’ childhood, you’ll know that I am processing.”
So it begins.
This summer, I’ve decided to finally tackle the digital mountain of old family photos in my archives. I have TENS OF THOUSANDS of pictures and they are not well organized. Since I have some time over summer break, I figured I’d start sifting through them. My goal is to delete a lot of junk and while I’m at it, pull out some favorite photos of Z to share throughout his senior year.
And the very first one I came across was this gem.
I don’t know if the actual piece of paper still exists, but I’m so grateful to have a photo of it. Here is the story of this little scrap of paper.
There used to be a restaurant called The Macaroni Grill, where the tables were covered in white butcher paper. Crayons were provided so you could doodle while you waited for your food. They had a quirky little tradition there where the server would come over and write their name upside down on the table (so it would read right-side up to you).
Fun fact, I worked at The Macaroni Grill for four years and was professionally trained in the art of upside-down name writing.
J and I would eat there at times and used to play hangman at the table while we waited for our meals, so I came up with a plan. When I got pregnant someday, I would tell him through a game of hangman at Macaroni Grill.
We had been trying to conceive for about a year. J remembers it as much longer—he describes it like we were basically infertile and had fully given up on the idea of having kids. I don’t remember it that way. I do remember mentioning it to my doctor, who offered to put me on Clomid, but I declined.
Meanwhile, I took so many pregnancy tests, I probably should’ve bought stock in the company. One friend even gave me the extra test from her two-pack after she confirmed her own pregnancy—it was the “Clear Blue” brand.
One month, I felt like something was different. I wasn’t expecting anything, but I took the Clear Blue test anyway. I set the timer for three minutes, but before it even had a chance to beep, the word “pregnant” appeared.
I stared at it. Shook it. Checked the box. Turned it around to see if maybe the other side said “not.” Denial hit first, but then my heart started pounding. Could it really be true?
My eyes were wide. My pulse was racing. And in the middle of that moment, our Labrador, Crew, came into the bathroom staring at me with his tail banging against the bathroom wall. I knelt down and whispered to him, “I’m pregnant.”
Crew was the first to know and I made him swear to secrecy.
I honestly can’t remember what excuse I gave J for why we needed to eat out at Macaroni Grill that night. Back then, we went out to eat a lot more, so it probably didn’t raise any suspicions. I stuck to the plan and we started a round of hangman on the paper tablecloth.
As you can see in the photo, it didn’t take long before he solved the puzzle. “You’re Gonna Be A Dad” His reaction mirrored mine—stunned at first, like he wasn’t sure he read it right. Then, joy.
He had been ready to be a dad long before I felt ready to be a mom. Of course, we were both a little scared—who isn’t?
From that point on, I thanked God for this life and began praying for him. I’ve always believed big things for this baby.
Mothers are biased, of course. We think our kids are the best, the brightest, destined to change the world. And maybe that sounds naïve—but to us, it’s simply the truth.
That’s our job, to believe big and dream big for our children. 18 years later and that still hasn’t changed.