J and I always wanted a big family. We were in agreement, but we never set a number. It seems for a lot of people they have always known exactly how many kids they wanted, but I never did.
Yet, here we are at baby number 4 and suddenly I know that I’m done.
This is actually SJ. I don’t have a sono of baby #4 yet.
It’s not that frazzled hair, bug-eyed mom staring blankly into space whimpering, “No more. Pleeease make it stop!”. I mean, I might look like that mom at times, but that’s not how I feel about it.
I’m going to be extremely candid and uncensored with my personal thoughts and feelings here, so please keep in mind that they are just that- personal. Every couple needs to follow their own path when it comes to bearing children; when, if, and how many. And sometimes that path is determined for you for various reasons. I don’t want my words to be hurtful, I am just expressing how it’s worked out for me at this point. That’s all.
There are a lot of reasons I feel like I am done, but the biggest is that I don’t want to birth children when I am over 35. There I said it. I said it to someone the other day who gracefully mentioned that ALL of her children were born when she was over 35. I hope I did a decent enough job of pulling my foot out of my mouth when she told me that, because I really do think she and other women like her are awesome. I know lots of people that have gone that route and I am all for it.
For me though, I will be turning 33 this month and so as far as I’m concerned this is it. Given my fertility history, if we continued having children I would be at least 35 when the next one would be born. I know that pregnancies after 35 are considered “high risk”, but that’s not even why I decided this. I just had a peace about having closure at this time. My body has been either pregnant or nursing for 8 years. After this baby I will have committed a decade of my life to using my body as a beautiful and miraculous source of nourishment. I feel a little sad about moving on from that season, but I know I’m ready. It’s not just about pregnancy either, these children grow up and I am considering my age when they graduate, and potentially have my grandchildren and great grandchildren.
Only God knows the future. Children, health, and lives in general are all very unpredictable. So I realize my planning is somewhat futile, but I still like to dream about what lies ahead.
I look forward to soaking up every last bit of this pregnancy and turning the pages slowly as I close the chapter on this era.
I like that I know so many other moms that are at the same stage as me. I feel like there is a bond between us. If you know me, you know I never let conformity determine my choices AT ALL, but I have a lot of women I can turn to for support about this decision. And that’s a nice feeling.
Me and one of my closest friends when we were pregnant with our oldest sons (8 years ago). She has had 6 pregnancies and I’ve had 4. We are both feeling the same about the next step.
The thought of missing the tiny toddler voices makes my heart ache, but I get a burst of excitement thinking of being able to ride bikes as a family, or travel and minister together, and play board games on a level that is fun for everyone involved.
My mind continues to waltz through visions of each season; from enjoying regular date nights with my husband again when we are in our
40’s, to planning weddings and welcoming grandchildren in our 50’s, maybe seeing the world in our 60’s, and then perhaps great grandchildren?
Who knows what will happen. Plans change. Circumstances change. Feelings change. Proverbs 27:1 says “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.” As far as what J and I have discussed though (and there was a lot of prayer and discussion), this will be my final pregnancy. The million dollar question is always How do you know when you are done? The answer is simple for me.
I know I am done because the thought of it is comforting.
So nicely written Natalie. Like you, I agree it’s a personal choice. Sometimes, you just know…I had Sydney when I was 34 and didn’t want to have more after 35 either but I also had a full placental abruption with her so I knew it wasn’t snart to move ahead with more. I am sad when I look at families with itty bitty ones but I am happy to go on easier family trips, hiking and more. I feel fortunate to have been home with my babies and like you, am living in a new chapter with my kids. I’m still in sponge mode with them – I suspect I always will be!
I also wanted to mention that we do have plans to adopt or have foster children when our living arrangements change. I don’t know what age that child/children will be when that happens. So this may not be my last baby depending on how things work out with all that, but I do plan on not being pregnant anymore.
This is a question I have been wondering about myself! My husband and I want a big family too. We have two at the moment and it just doesn’t feel complete yet. Praying God will bless us with more! =D
35 has always been my cutoff for having kids as well. Not sure why, but that seemed like a good round number to draw the line 😉 You’re right though, these decisions are personal and it all depends on what the parents feel comfortable with.
i love this! Big hugs!!! We are done with 2 even though I’d love to have more. Going to write about this myself soon. Thanks for bravely sharing something so personal!
natalie, i enjoyed your post. altho’ the details are different, i was at a similar place to you a number of years ago ! i’m glad we did something to prevent additional children. we knew that it wan’t so permanent that GOD couldn’t intervene if He saw fit, but He didn’t.
we didn’t force the changes that were coming ahead to our family, but having a pregnancy in the middle of all our changes would have been quite difficult. GOD would have enabled u for sure,
blessing as you watch to see how GOD’s good plan unfolds for your family:)
Great post and loved your honesty! I want one more and then I say I am done, but who knows how I will feel!
Absolutely love love love how you put this!
It’s a very touchy subject and its so personal.
I’ve been on the roller coaster of wanting no children at one point to wanting 10 at another.
Right now I have one, I would love to have at least one more for Elliott to have a sibling. Maybe he/she will be biological maybe not, we will just have to wait and see.
I plain just don’t know right now and I’m ok with that! Hopefully like you time will tell 🙂
So interesting you write about this right now. I am completely unsure about when we will be done. 2 years ago I would have told you I wanted 4 but there are some medical obstacles in my path right now that have to be taken care of before we consider a 4th. I am not sure if we will want to have another 2 years from now (Alden will be 3 and Shawn will be 45!). Right now we are leaving it in God’s hands and praying for guidance :). My age has nothing to do with it in my mind, it’s more Shawn’s since he is so much older! I am glad you are pregnant, at peace with 4 pregnancies and looking forward to the future :). I love pregnant people so I will live vicariously through you for right now 🙂
I’ll be praying for you Tracy. That is a really tough decision and I’m sure you’ll know what to do when the time comes. One thing I didn’t mention, but definitely has an impact, is the genetic mutation that gives us a one in four chance that the baby will be deaf. I have always said I wouldn’t let hearing loss define our family and I feel good about having this baby deaf or not. I really do mean that, but at the same time it’s not something to take lightly. Part of me feels like having more and more children would be playing with fire. Why do that when we have always wanted to adopt anyway. Also Jeremy is 39, so not quite Shawn’s age, but I did marry an older man 😉
I experienced the sane thing after having Logan. It’s such a clear, peaceful feeling. While adoption is hopefully a next step for us I knew after him my body was finished.
Praying you enjoy every last moment!
Thank you and yes that is exactly how I feel about it.
I really love this post, I have often wondered when I will feel the “I’m done” feeling that so many women have told me about. And my husband and I feel the same way about number, we’ve never had a set number, but we also want to be done by the time I’m 35.
I would love to have more than four kids and hopefully we will if we adopt, but things didn’t work out the way I had expected. We were married 7 years before we started having children and now I kind of wish we would have started sooner. I’m totally happy with how it’s worked out, but with everyone encouraging young families to wait and that you have “all the time in the world” I actually don’t feel that way.
I’m glad you have that sense of comfort at the thought of it. I really didn’t feel that way until my kids were older. I wanted four kids for a long time, but I’m happy with my two at their stages now!
I just loved the post that you have shared. Thanks a lot for sharing it!