I have been wanting to share this health update with everyone for a long time, but I was pridefully, wanting to tell it after I was all better, except that hasn’t happened yet.

Now let’s start by going way back to when I first became pregnant. Like many pregnant women I struggled with keeping my iron levels up. I tried to take vitamins, but nothing seemed to help.  Then after I had the baby I bounced back to my usual healthy self. With Elle it was so bad that in the hospital my hemoglobin was 6 and I had to have two blood transfusions.

For reference a low hemoglobin count is generally anything less than 11.6. A hemoglobin of less than 5 can be fatal.

After Elle was born I never really worried about my iron levels. I was a busy mother of four at that point and I figured if I was tired it was to be expected. I never went to a doctor for regular checkups in that season of life. I just assumed I was fine. However stuff kept adding up over the next five years and in 2021 I made it a resolution to get checked.

Sorry for the lengthy story, but I wanted to share in case it’s helpful to anyone out there struggling with anemia. I went to a general practitioner in January and told her I was having trouble sleeping and also dealing with restless legs. She wanted to put me on meds. She kept pushing the prescriptions! She even repeatedly asked if I had anxiety. The whole thing felt off. I told her  I was uncomfortable getting a prescription without doing research on it first. I then added “I guess I just thought maybe you would tell me I could do some stretches before bed or something.” Her reply was “Stretches! That’s a good idea.” My jaw was about on the floor at that point.

The worst part about the whole experience was that when my bloodwork came in I got a call from a nurse to inform me that I was borderline diabetic and I needed to cut out carbs. She also casually threw in that my iron was low. I was devastated! I took this prediabetes diagnosis as fact and started researching what to do. It was very serious to me. The thing is, the more I researched the less it made sense. For my lifestyle, age, weight and even ethnicity it appeared that I was at extremely low to no risk of being prediabetic.

I began to study my lab results and started investigating. I discovered that a low red blood cell count can falsely elevate your A1c (the test that shows if you are diabetic). I already knew I wasn’t going back to that doctor now I was mad and ready to get a second opinion ASAP. I made an appointment with a new doctor, but in the meantime everything came crashing down for me before I even had a chance to see her. It was a  Saturday night and I was photographing a wedding the next day. I felt fine when I went to bed but I woke up around 1:00 am with crazy heart palpitations. I tried so hard to ignore it. It was really intense though. I woke Jeremy up, but even after praying together my whole body was trembling and I thought my heart was going to explode. He took me to the ER. Once I got to the exam room and the nurse was checking my vitals I told her I thought I was going to pass out. I never did, but she said “No wonder. Your heart rate is 168!” Keep in mind that was my resting heart rate. They immediately started hooking me up to machines and doing an EKG. I eventually calmed down and after they checked every single little thing about me the doctor told me all they found was anemia. At that point my iron was at 8 and my ferritin was  2 (ferritin is iron reserves  and that is extremely low) . Now why would that have anything to do with me being in the ER with heart issues? Well, anemia can cause shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, and heart palpitations. It was explained by the that I had had a panic attack. I have talked to several friends since then that had similar experiences and were treated poorly and made to feel foolish by doctors. That is so unfortunate and shouldn’t be the case. I am happy to say that this doctor had great bedside manner. They wanted me to have a follow up appointment with my GP and I explained that I already had appointment scheduled.

When I saw my new doctor she was extremely helpful and sent me to a hematologist for my anemia. He also told me that I was a text book case for anemia and every one of my symptoms should clear up when they raise my iron levels through an iron infusion.

My symptoms were

• ice chewing (MAJORLY!!!)
• restless legs syndrom
• insomnia
• pale skin
• fatigue
• shortness of breath
• heart palpations
• cold hands
• weakness
• dizziness

He told me the only way I was still standing with my ferritin that low is because it must have happened very gradually. He compared to having a thermastat slowly turned up and adjusting to the temperature. So I had two iron transfusions and sure enough it almost immediately reversed all of my symptoms. In fact for almost a year I didn’t have any of them!!!

I was really hoping that was the end of it, but sadly at about 18 months after my infusion I knew something was wrong. I wasn’t as bad off as I had been, but I was headed that direction. My doctor ran blood tests to confirm my suspicions.

So the next course of action is to do a colonoscopy to see if they can find the root cause of my anemia and that is scheduled for this Friday. I start fasting and laxative treatment today. FUN! I am a little nervous about already being depleted and being on a liquid diet with no vitamins and having my “innards” cleared out for two days straight. Ugh. I know it’s going to be okay though. People do colonoscopies all the time! 
So there’s the whole long story. I appreciate any prayers or even advice if you or someone you know cured their anemia. I am willing to try almost anything at this point.

In case you haven’t heard through my social media accounts I am in the middle of adding finishing touches to my memoir and recording my audio book! Writing my memoir/first book has been harder than I ever thought, but I know it’s all going to be worth it.

One thing J and I knew that we wanted to do as I took this next step is to update my website. It’s been long overdue. The last time I did any technical housekeeping here was SEVEN years ago. That’s why my hair it so short in my profile picture.

I am beyond excited for all of these changes and roll outs. I wanted to an official blog post about it in case

A. You don’t “see” me on here for a while or

B. My site temporarily goes down in the midst of all the tech stuff. I am hoping that won’t be the case, but you never know.

A lot of people have asked when the book release date is and I still don’t have one. It’s probably a good thing too since I would inevitably be running late. If you are just joining in and have no idea what book I’m talking about I’ll fill you in (I have noticed some new followers so WELCOME!).

My book is called Hope at the Threshold and it’s a memoir about the season of life where we were unemployed, pregnant, on welfare, living with family, and discovered our daughter was deaf all very unexpectedly. It might sounded like some sad, heavy material, and in all fairness some of it is, but as the title indicates there is hope in the midst of it. The story is about the goodness and faithfulness of God. I can’t wait to share it with all of you. In fact I am assembling a small book launch team so if you are interested in a prerelease copy in exchange for getting the word out on social media then please let me know. You can email me at the messy mom at gmail (no spaces or anything, I’m just trying to avoid bots spamming me).

Oh, and one more thing I am on the lookout for as I relaunch Messy Mom is bringing back my Inspiring Mom series. I used to do monthly interviews/articles about moms that have some really cool stories. That could be a mom that has been teaching for 20+ years, or maybe it’s an adoption story, a small business startup, or a health and wellness inspiring story. I’m convinced everyone has a story to share. So if you are up for it, or have a mom you want to nominate then please let me know! It was such a powerful series and I always had an amazing response to it, but the embarrassing truth is I fell off the wagon March of 2020 when the pandemic happened and I just never got back to it. Three years later I am ready! Better late than never right?

So those are all the updates for now, but make sure you are following me on Instagram (@messymom) and Facebook (@themessymom) where I post regularly. Have a blessed week and I’ll check back in soon!

My word for 2022 was “Gratitude”. It’s amazing to see how that word was orchestrated throughout 2022 for me. As I shared in a Facebook post yesterday my heart is overflowing with gratitude when I look back at it all.  As I was contemplating and seeking the Lord about this year’s one word I settled on DREAMS. Just to clarify, I’m talking about visions, goals, and passions, not the dreams you have in your sleep.

I have some dreams that God gave me a long time ago and I believe that some will be coming to fruition in 2023. I also want to encourage others to dream again and to trust that God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above anything we could ask or dream up.

It’s not in the prosperity sense, like I want a yacht, let me believe and receive. It’s more about hopes and dreams that are from God and His plans for your life.

I want this to be a focus for my kids too. I want to be an example of chasing after the dreams God has placed in our hearts.

I also like the idea of intentionally aligning our plans with the dreams and goals of our family.

J actually encouraged me in this area last summer. I was working towards becoming a substitute teacher, but half of the schools that I would be teaching at were conflicting with our schedule. I was wrestling with the idea of putting the kids on a school bus. To be clear this isn’t about the bus. If your kids ride a bus that’s great. I know plenty of families that use the bus system or grew up riding the bus. For our family we’ve avoided it at the past 9 years (other than some situations where it was Kindergarteners only). So as I kids were being enrolled for school I was really in turmoil about the whole thing. I even had them signed up to ride the bus, but I wasn’t at peace about it! Around that time J and I were on a walk when I explained the dilemma and how I wanted to make the right decision. He said “Well, when you think of your goals as a mom for your family does putting our kids on the bus align with those goals?” I said no (but my mind still didn’t see an alternative) and then he said “Well don’t put them on the bus then.” So we didn’t and guess what? I have learned that the schools I most like subbing at are the ones that work with our schedule. There are enough jobs to cover with just those schools and sometimes it works for J to help with the carpool lines when needed. I know we made the right choice.

The question was simple “Does this align with our family goals?” Throughout 2023 as we divide up our schedule, our finances, and whatever other decisions come up I want to have our family dreams (which could also be hopes and plans) in the forefront.

2022 was a really incredible year for me. I feel like we had some challenging times for so long that it was a relief to have breakthroughs in multiple areas this year. That’s not to say that everything was perfect and there weren’t any challenges. Right out of the shoot in January we had some major obstacles we faced with SJ, her health, and her hearing. It was scary, but praise God everything turned out okay and she’s doing great now.

Actually, 2022 was a REALLY exciting year for SJ such as baptism and moving from an IEP to 504 which I wrote about in “10 Years Later“. She also has used her gifts to worship through sing both online and on the stage!

One of my favorite parts of 2022 was getting to travel to St. Thomas with my mom and my two sisters (“in laws”). It was the trip of a lifetime. I wish I could go back!

The fun and journeys didn’t stop their though. We went to Iowa in June and stopped in Chicago on the way home where we met up with my bestie who caught a train from Michigan.

Mels and I went to four different coffee shops all in a row for my fortieth birthday.

I also got a new chicken named Lizzie who lays blue eggs. A bit of an unconventional gift for sure, but it’s what I wanted!

J’s birthday did not disappoint either. We met up with Mels again, this time in Detroit to see Fleet Foxes and the Tigers. It was a blast.

We had a few fun date nights over the summer too, like going to Prima Vista in Cincinnati where I photographed a proposal and not long after that we got to experience a candlelight concert.

I have been at home with little kids for so long that the idea of getting to do so many exertions on my own is still hard for me to even believe! I am grateful though.

This years back to school was EXTREMELY different from all of the other years. First off we had a high schooler, also it’s the first time all four kids were in school full day and lastly I became certified as a substitute teacher.

At first I loved subbing but I was worried when the honeymoon stage wore off I would feel differently. However, here we are half way through the year and I still love it. It’s so rewarding and my favorite part is getting to see my kids. There are good days and bad, but most of the time it’s the perfect job for me.

Also in August I conquered my fears of rappelling and caving. What a trip!

Then came fall and that’s birthday season in our home.

Z turned 15 and got to go to his first homecoming dance not too long after that.

Ezie turned 10 and we celebrated with a last minute party in the park which turned out better than some of the parties I spent months planning!

Elle had her 7th birthday and I mentioned that in my last blog post.

Then to wrap it all up we had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas (which I also already blogged about).

I am so thankful for the good times this year and for the provision of the Lord even when inflation looked scary and also seeing our kids mature in their walk with God and personal relationships. On top of all that we also accomplished quite a few home improvement projects on the home and I’ll have to share all of those details at another time. This has been a fun reflection time though. Happy New Year everybody!

Christmas 2022 is coming to a close, but I can’t let this year end without looking back on all the special memories. This year has involved a lot of home renovations, so we haven’t had any company in a long time. Thankfully we were able to get our kitchen and main bathroom to a place were they were functional. I begged and pleaded with J to allow us to have a party at our house for Elle’s birthday and at first he was unsure because the house was still in disarray but when he realized how much a party would be if we rented or held it elsewhere he conceded.

Elle’s party was so awesome because it snowed in early November, A LOT! That would have been perfect for Frozen party last year, but oh well, it was still fun for the donut party.

After Elle’s party we were able to host Thanksgiving and that was a lot of fun too.

Then bring on Christmas! We decorated our own tree.

We decorated the church.

We went on the North Pole Express (a real train ride) with Mémé and the cousins

And we rode an antique fire truck and saw Santa again as a part of the kids’ school party.

Speaking of school parties, one of the highlights of my December was substitute teaching on the last school day  of the year.

It was fun to see all of the kids excitement about Christmas and I even got to participate in Elle’s class party!

My parents held a Nativity Escape room and gingerbread party so that was super cool!

The Christmas party at the church did not dissappoint either. We had so much fun.

One of my favorite traditions is driving around looking at Christmas lights and drinking hot cocoa. There were some cranky kids and struggles behind the happy photos, but I love Christmas lights no matter what so there’s that.

We also got to see a ton of lights when we were gifted some passes to Kings Island Winter Fest.

That was a first time experience for our family and it was very very cold, but really special.

Then came the official Christmas weekend. We got buckets of snow and I was loving the white Christmas, but the roads were a little bit scary. Thankfully we were able to go to the ugly Christmas sweater party with some of our good friends.

Also, with a lot of caution and patience (and one actual push when we got stuck) we were able to make it to Kentucky and back safely for Christmas eve at my brother’s house.

I am thankful that we didn’t have to miss the ultimate deluxe Christmas brunch. We ate until we were as jolly as St. Nick. Z got a fun gift that was a bunch of little gifts all wrapped up in a full roll of saran wrap. It took over 15 minutes to unravel, but it was worth it!

That night when we got home Z, J, and I all went over to the neighbors house across the street to collect a used trampoline that we had purchased from them. It was cumbersome to move on a good day nevermind the ice and snow! J had the idea to get the kids sleds and sort of slide it across the road. It worked a little bit, but eventually we just carried it. I was sore for days. It was worth it though.

Christmas morning we woke up at sunrise.

Believe it or not I had to be the one to wake up the kids! When I was young I never ever slept in on Christmas day, but to each their own. We sang Christmas carols from actual hymn books and read the Christmas story. After opening presents Ezie looked out the front window and noticed suspicious tracks in our yard. It looked like a sleigh had gone across the road and into our yard. I grabbed my phone and started recording the kids assessment of the mysterious tracks. Then we led them to seek out where the tracks went to which is where they discovered the trampoline.

It was one of the sweetest moments I have ever experienced! I will never forget their joy and excitement.

It wasn’t long after our little immediate family Christmas that we had family coming over for a visit.

We ate so much food, opened more presents and played games. My kids always mock me for my cliche statement “My heart is so full” but seriously my heart really was so full.

More than any of the fun, food, or lights I am thankful for the gift of Christ Jesus who came to earth to save us all. I am grateful to be able to celebrate that and experience unspeakable joy.

You guys, this inflation is killing me! I am a super frugal shopper. I always price compare by the unit down to the penny. It’s almost concerning how hard I work to save money on food. It’s hard to do budget friendly meals for a family of six that includes boys and teenagers. Oh my goodness!

I used to brag about getting all of my groceries for just a hundred dollars a week. Ha! Granted that was a completely different era and our family was basically just J and I (breastfed baby and picky little eater). Let’s zoom in  on the past year though. I have documentation of what I spent before this “super spike”. Like I said, I am a crazy person. Since 2019 I have used a budgeting app where all of our expenses are categorized and in November of 2020 our grocery budget was $750. Our grocery budget increased to $50 a month more over the next year. So in 2021 our monthly grocery budget was $800. Now in November of 2022 our grocery budget is $1,000 and many months we still go over budget no matter how hard I try. These are real life numbers, a nearly $300 a month increase in groceries!

Back in May when I was freaking out about the price of cheese I thought to look back at my Walmart online purchase history to price compare. I was shocked to find the difference.

I had been paying $5.34 for a 31 oz bag of shredded mild cheddar cheese and now the price was $7.48.

I knew inflation was real and I had noticed, but to see solid numbers from my own purchase history really blew my mind. For a bean counter like me that’s a whole lotta beans!!!

Here is a list of the ten items I made note of

5 lb chicken breast in 2021 was $10.76  NOW $16.56

Large has avocados 3-4 count bag  was $3.78 NOW $7.98 

Great Value traditional pasta sauce 24 oz was .88 NOW $1.40

peanut butter 40 ounces was $2.74 NOW $3.47

Great value thick bacon 24 ounce was $5.18 NOW $6.84 

Great value whole milk gallon was $2.59 NOW $3.38

Land o Frost Deli Meat was $3.36 NOW  $4.92

18 large eggs was $2.33 NOW  $4.03

11 oz pack of fun size candy bars was $2.98 NOW $4.18

12 pack of soda (for a party) was $4.88 NOW $6.78

I meant to do a blog post about my findings and never did. So, those prices that say “NOW” are what they were when I typed it out in May of 2022. Out of curiosity I figured I would see if there were any more increases in the past 6 months and there were.

Past sauce is 8 cents more.

Peanut butter when up 17 cents.

Turkey went up another 75 cents.

Eggs went up 13 cents.

Heavy whipping cream increased by another 90 cents.

So while this particular list of groceries went up by $2.03, milk dropped 54 cents so it’s a little closer to the price it was in 2021 (but still 25 cents more). I know this isn’t official research, but my momservation (observation  as a mom) would report that things appear to have leveled off in the past 6 months instead of the steep price increase we saw a year ago.

We all know that the Pandemic and supply chain issues are at least a big part of why this has happened. I really wish that if we were going to be spending hundreds of more a month it would be on travel, or towards braces or a better computer, but alas that is not the case. I may rant and kick and scream, but that it isn’t changing anything.

I know the Bible says a million different verses about trusting in the Lord, and gratitude and contentment. It isn’t literally a million, but it’s a lot. It’s enough for me to know the truth. I am blessed. Even in this challenging season of inflation we’ve had more than we needed. This month we were able to give to “One Day to Feed the World”, for people who genuinely do have to worry about if their kids will eat or starve to death!

We were also able to give sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving baskets for those in need in our community. Even tonight I am so blessed to be able to bring some lasagna to a friend whose young daughter had surgery. I am not saying these things to brag. I’m actually just realizing it in the moment that I am typing it (this is super spontaneous!). So I know that I don’t have to worry. My God will supply all my needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus as Philippians 4:19 says. And not just my needs, but exceedingly abundantly more than I need so that there is enough to share even when it feels like there is not! I can do grocery math all day long comparing the prices of before to the price of things now, but that’s not God’s math. His math is the 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish equals 5000 people fed! My grocery store math is “I don’t have any bread—only a handful of flour in a jar and a little olive oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it—and die.” That’s the verse from Elijah and the widow in 1 Kings 17:12, I’m not quite that desperate, but it’s my attitude. God’s math is ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord sends rain on the land… So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family.” Whoa! That gets me fired up!

I know times are tough. I have plenty of proof via my screen shots, but with Thanksgiving a week away I’ll end with a fitting verse. Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplications with THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Amen!

Touchy subject alert!

The other day I was driving my kids home from a Halloween activity at their school and I glanced in my rearview mirror to see a chef, a giant “tube man”, and a box of donuts.

I love being a mom! is the exact thought that popped in my head as a smile stretched across my face. My kids have always enjoyed dressing up and make-believe. There aren’t many opportunities to wear costumes out in public, but every year on October 31st the kids have a chance to choose a fun or silly character to transform into. When I am grocery shopping I often catch a glimpse of one the kids names in faded sharpie somewhere on my reusable shopping bags from when someone claimed that bag to collect candy in.

And yet the other day when one of Ezie’s teachers asked if there was anyone who doesn’t celebrate Halloween Ezie raised his hand. For the record I think the teacher was about to play a halloween themed game and didn’t want to step on any toes… maybe. Also, for the record Ezie was the only kid in class who doesn’t celebrate Halloween. So how can we not celebrate Halloween, but choose to participate in Halloween activities!? Aren’t we sending conflicting messages to our children? Isn’t that a little wishy washy? It’s like we want to have our cake, or candy in this case, and eat it too.

Before I dive into my justification, or explanation, or whatever you want to call it, let me start by saying this is our personal choice as a family. I’m not a theologian and I am definitely not trying to sway anyone any direction. I have friends in the faith who have kids and do absolutely no Halloween activities at all due to their convictions. I admire that. I also have Christian friends that claim Halloween as their favorite Holiday and go all out with the gore and fear. I’m not going to lie, that confuses me, but I still love them. Our family’s stance confuses some people too. So I understand. I’m an enneagram nine. I don’t get shaken up by ghost or goblins, but I am terrified of offending anyone.

Anyway, here is how it works in our family and we’ve been parents for 15 years now. We have taught our kids the foundations of the Bible from day one. When it comes to the darkness that takes over on Halloween it is something that I personally don’t enjoy. I look forward to when October is over. J and I got married on November 4th because I love fall but hate Halloween and didn’t want to be married in October. November 4th was the first Saturday that was available. Now it’s our anniversary. True story.

The first Halloween that rolled around when we were new parents wasn’t much of a decision because he was too little to go trick or treating. However we were invited to a costume party by some of our church friends and dressed him up right off the bat.

The next year we hosted a costume party for our young adults ministry group and dressed up again.

The following year he was old enough to walk around our neighborhood and all of our neighbors just loved seeing him as an adorable little dinosaur.

Then we had two kids and the costumes continued.

We always made sure they knew our goal is to glorify God in all we do be it costumes, music, movies etc. We are a light in the darkness.

As more and more Halloweens passed and our family grew we had more opportunities to talk about what the Bible teaches us about witchcraft, evil spirits, darkness, and fear. We believe that Jesus overcame hell and the grave. He came that we could have LIFE and have it abundantly. So when we pass by our neighbor’s house that goes all out every October with really over the top creepy things, including a skeleton holding a skeleton baby in a bloody blanket, I pray as I drive by.

The kids know that they want to be something joyful when they dress up. They believe and can articulate why death, fear, pain, and darkness is in direct opposition to the life,  hope, healing, and light that we stand for as believers. We are not perfect parents or people. We are hypocrites in too many ways. However, I am grateful to know that when it comes to this “spooky” season, which was always something I dreaded, we have been able to use it as an opportunity to teach truth to our kids. We love getting together with our friends, we love costumes, and we love fall so much. We are like the Jewish family who celebrates Hanukkah but they allow their kids to see Santa or go to Christmas parties.

So if you’ve ever wondered why some Christians don’t celebrate Halloween, or if you’ve ever wondered how a Christian could, now you have a little inside scoop, for one family at least.

1 Corinthians 15:58
“Be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord.”

So I did a thing last Saturday. I still have some scrapes and bruises to prove it.

Before I share the story though, let me give a little background info.

When I was growing up I was a scaredy-cat. I was especially scared of heights. I’m not talking about standing on the edge of a cliff, that would make anyone scared. I’m talking, when we went to the mall I did not want to get on the escalator and then when we got to the second floor I would walk as far away from the balcony railing as possible.  My brothers on the other hand were the opposite of me. They were into all the outdoorsy adventurous activities you can think of- hiking, skiing, and their favorite was rock climbing. On occasion I would venture out with them.

One time I went rock climbing and prettying much got stuck at the top. I learned the hard way that rappelling requires you to trust completely on the ropes and put your entire body weight into the harness in order for it to work. I objected the physical facts of this and demanded that I was allowed to climb down the cliff. It was explained me that it doesn’t work that way and that I would have to rappel down. What felt like 18 hours later I barely managed to get off of the mountain. To this day I have never been able to live it down. So when my brother Brandon recently proposed the idea of rappelling 100 feet into a cave for fun he invited my 12-year-old daughter but not me. Everyone assumed I would not be interested. Surprisingly I wanted to go for it! I actually regret not doing a lot of things that I had the opportunity to do while I was younger and now that I’ve outgrown and/or overcome some of those fears I was ready to give repelling another try.

I posted some videos of my big feat on social media and everyone commented on how brave I was.

However there’s a big chunk of the trip that was not shared. This is the part where we unhooked our harnesses and started to journey out of the cave. At first I confidently followed our fearless leader (my brother) through the narrow tunnels and curves which included army crawling for long stretches through the mud and tight quarters. It was cold and damp. There with creepy crawly prehistoric looking insects clinging to the walls around us. Spaces were so small that we couldn’t even wear our backpacks. We either had to drag them behind us or push them in front of us.  We finally got to an opening that allowed for more room when someone in our group up ahead declared that we went the wrong way and would have to turn back. We weren’t tired yet so it really wasn’t a problem but the anxiety at that point started to mount. I have watched a documentary that included some cave tragedies and that’s one film too many to have rattling around in your memory when doing an experience like this. Once we got back to square one (which was the big open cavern) I found my brother and I demanded reassurance that he was certain that he knew how to get out of the cave! He told us there were only two exits on the map and the last one didn’t work so it had to be the next one. As you can imagine my fear level dropped only a small fraction when I heard this.

In that moment I really wanted a supernatural ability to teleport out of the cave. But since I assumed this was not an option the only choice was to keep going. So we charged ahead, did more army crawling, and at one point we reached a big incline that was really too slippery to get up so the person behind you had to make a foothold with their hands and then you climb up. In my case my daughter SJ was ahead of me so she reached out her hand to grab mine. It was really difficult, but my kids encouraged me and SJ said “Mom you’ve got this. I’m going to pull you up.” I may be small for an adult but she is small for a kid so I didn’t expect her efforts to do much but it did! That little warrior pulled her mother up over the mud slide, I kid you not!

Next I heard our friend up ahead say “Wow that’s real sketchy”. Then I hear them say “don’t look down”. My eyes bulged out of my head and I didn’t even want to know what was coming. They came back and reported that we would have to get everyone across this ravine. My heart started pounding. I knew I couldn’t look down, ledges are scary for me anyway and this one had a slippery element. I started breathing heavily and could feel a panic attack coming on. All the fear I had when I was younger creeped back in and I started trembling. I didn’t know how I was going to get across the chasm. J was on the other side encouraging me and reaching out his hand. In my mind it was like a scene from Indian Jones.

In reality J later told me that it was a treacherous drop, but the way the cave was formed he said you would probably have to turn into a wet noodle to fall through the crack. Whatever. I still didn’t like the risk.

I sat on the ground overwhelmed with fear and my sister in law reminded me to breath. I have had panic attacks before and I knew the techniques I needed to do to calm down I just needed to be reminded of them. I got up in that moment and jumped over to where J was.

After that there were a few more moments of fear and danger before finally getting to a place that we knew we had nearly arrived because we ran into the part of our group that did not rappel. That was a relief. I announced that I was leaving our group to go with them, but everyone convinced me to finish the course and see the water fall with them. So I did. Eventually we made our way out of the cave, into the light and I was ready to kiss the ground. We did it!

Even with my challenges I am so glad I faced my fears and experienced the cave with my family. I also really loved watching Z and SJ navigate the whole thing so effortlessly. I was so proud of them.

Afterwards we got ice cream and SJ announced that when she turns 18 she wants to sky dive. I just shook my head at her declaration. Her aunt Laura told her she would do it too. By the way my brother and sister in law have a YouTube channel called Chris & Laura IRL so you can hop over there to subscribe and see a video of the whole caving adventure!