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15 Years Ago I Wasn’t Quite In Love

This is a really exciting year for me you guys. I am a bit of a romantic, and while most of our anniversaries are low key, the 5th and the 10th were unforgettable. Seriously. My wedding day, 5 year, and 10 year anniversary rank super high on the best days of my life list. This year will mark our 15th anniversary and so you are going to hear me talking about about this milestone A LOT. Even our Christmas card will be paying homage to our 15 year mark.

Before I get too excited about all that lovey dovey stuff, let’s time travel to see what our relationship was like at this time 15 years ago.

This photo is from ’98. J is being silly with the heart sunglasses and I am sporting my American Eagle overalls because it was the 90’s. 

I am in High School. J is in college.

Here is an excerpt from my diary from February 8, 2000. I did leave out names, but other than that it is exactly as I wrote it 15 years ago!

On Friday “J” and “Friend” were as clingy as ever. Everything is cleared up between me and them, but I have to admit I still get very annoyed by them. My mom doesn’t understand why I am bitter, but she doesn’t see the same side of J as I do, but don’t get me wrong I love the guy to death and I would do anything for him.

Here is my translation now that I am a grown woman looking back at my hormonal 17 year old angst. 

Jeremy is  friends with another girl. They flirt and I am extremely jealous. I would never admit that. Not to Jeremy, or my mom, and certainly not to myself. I have feelings for this guy that I claim are  platonic, but the truth is I don’t know how to process all these emotions, so apparently I am “bitter”. 

Here is another one from just a couple weeks later. February 15, 2000

“Yesterday was absolutely horrible. I had no valentine and was exhausted from working ALL WEEKEND. I got home from school and I just went in my room and cried. Then my mom came in and told me I had a visitor. It was “cute boy”. So I tried to pull myself together and went out there, and we talked for a long time. You know what? I know I’ve been acting weird and emotional. I’ve just felt different lately. So I am going to leave out all of the details of my lame teenage life for just a moment. I may get to talking about it all sooner or later, but for now I am just going to write.
Jeremy is sick tonight. He just has the flu, but I feel bad for him. I know I have said a lot of mean things about him, but he is the greatest guy I have ever known (or at least one of). I love him very much in a way that I cannot explain. It’s not romantic love, or brotherly love, or even friendly love, I don’t know what it is, but I care about him a lot and it kills me to see him sick.”

Translation: 

I am so mad because I have no Valentine and I had to work. What could be worse?! Oh the agony!!! Then this cute boy shows up at my doorstep. He really likes me. He said and did all the right things, including giving me sweet little gifts that were inside jokes between the two of us, but I am not mentioning any of that because I have other things on my mind. 
Out of NOWHERE I have decided I am going to stop talking about boys and teenage stuff and start to dissect some of the emotions I am feeling for J who is a long time close friend of mine. At this point I am not ready to admit that I am head over heals in love with him, but I am suddenly falling hard and fast. For now, suffice it to say that I care about him and I want to take care of him. Whatever that means. 

Even though it’s embarrassing to share the unfiltered thoughts of my teenage diary, I can barely read that February 15th journal entry without tearing up now. Because in hindsight it’s like I can see the exact moment that I fell in love. Even if I claimed it wasn’t romantic.

It’s crazy to think of how quickly things changed. 15 years ago we were very close, but not quite in love. If someone had told me at the time that we would be married by the end of the year I would have thought they were insane. I would have bet money that I would become a famous actress by the end of the year before I would have believed any kind of marriage nonsense, but I am glad that I was wrong because I’d rather be married to J than be in Hollywood. Yes we were married young and there are definitely obstacles that come along with that, but that’s for another post. I’ll leave you with my favorite line from “The Fault In Our Stars” and I think it applies to our love story quite nicely. 

And 15 years later I am more in love than I have ever been. 

By |2015-05-18T04:21:00+00:00February 4, 2015|Marriage, My Life, Uncategorized|7 Comments
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How To Never Offend Anyone

I feel like I have seen it all when it comes to online links
touting things you should never say.
What not to say to a mother of twins
What not to say to a single mom
What not to say to a parent that has adopted
What not to say to a person with an eating disorder
What not to say to a person with an unusual birthmark
The last one I made up, but the rest are real, and I could go on
and on.  The more of these taboo comments that I came across, the more
I became fearful of hurting someone’s feelings. I recently saw one that
should have been right up my alley titled 10 Things You
Should Not Say to Moms With Multiple Children. 
The picture that goes along with the post is a mom with three
children and a grocery cart. Hey, that’s me! I go to the grocery store with
three children far too often. I like to joke that I am in my 30’s, but I can
still turn heads. The punch line is that I turn a lot of heads with the way my
kids behave when we are out in public. I have had at least 100 strangers tell
me that I have my hands full. It’s true though. My hands are usually literally
carrying things and figuratively juggling things.
“You have your hands full” is just one of the things
the article considered “tactless commentary from intrusive
strangers”. Another statement you are not supposed to say to me or
other moms is “lots of helpers” along with “Enjoy these
days. They grow up so Fast.” And last on the list is “the silent stare”.
If you read the article it explains why you should not say/do these things, and
I get where the idea comes from because I know it feels redundant when you
are on the receiving end. I have even vented about the cliché
statements before. 
So I came up with this idea. Instead of having all of these
“things you should never say” lists to sift through online. I have decided to
just sum it all up into one nice little politically correct paragraph.

 If you find yourself in an environment that is also
occupied by a mother with children, or a person with a disability, or
someone who has experienced tragedy, or is breathing, then you shouldn’t say
anything, unless it is from an approved list of one liners preferably
customized by each individual that would be receiving the
comment. And be especially careful of how you look at said individual.
Don’t look for too long to imply staring, or too short to suggest that you
don’t enjoy seeing them. In fact I would avoid looking at them at all. Then
again that could be the same as ignoring them, which could be considered
offensive too. Instead you might want to try not being around people.
Ever. 

I’m being sarcastic of course. Hopefully you can see where I am
going with this. I understand why lists like this are such a hit. Some of them
truly do raise awareness about certain misconceptions. However, more often than
not we just want people to know what to say to us because we are insecure,
tired, hurt, or fill in the blank. I even considered doing my own list of
“What to say when you see a child with a disability” because my
daughter is deaf and has cochlear implants. It’s kind of hard to miss and I can
tell that some people feel awkward around us at times. The problem with my list
is that I would encourage people to talk with me openly about their thoughts
and curiosities. I love answering questions and educating people
on what the cochlear implant is all about! However, I have lots of friends
who are parents of deaf children and some of them do not like talking about it.
Or sometimes it depends on the day! So there is no list of do’s and don’ts
because there aren’t just “Parents of Deaf Children”-period.
It’s more complex than that.
Similarly there aren’t just pregnant ladies, or women
who have had c-sections, or biracial couples, or introverts,
or working moms. There are just people! Individual people. 
Sure we all belong to certain groups and stereotypes, but that
does not define us. We are way too complicated to be narrowed down to a list of
appropriate conversations. We are all people that will offend other people and
will be offended by other people. On the bright side we are also diverse people that get to learn from one another. We get to share space and have community together. We engage. We form opinions. We form relationships and even friendships!  

I hate the thought that people would stop interacting out of fear of offending. Sure, there are going to be some jerks out there that say ignorant things, but isn’t there a Taylor Swift song about that? Shake it off, right? Because at one point or another, you will be offended. It’s happened to me. There are also comments that I just could have done without. For example when I was pregnant with a girl after I already had a boy I would have thought the whole world joined together to celebrate the fact that this meant I was done having children. Which, obviously didn’t stop me. Still, at the end of the day, I would rather be annoyed on occasion than disconnected for life. 

By |2015-05-18T04:21:22+00:00February 2, 2015|Motherhood, Special Needs, Uncategorized|14 Comments
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I Am Trying to Talk to You

We have always said SJ would be some kind of detective because of how in tune she is to detail and facial expressions. Even the most subtle forms of body language do not go unnoticed by her. I have written before about language and neural pathways. They are formed very early in life (like in the womb) and are rapidly developing in the first couple years. That means that we are designed to make the most sense out of the world around us using what we have when we are born. For SJ, she was born without hearing and so she adapting extremely well by reading facial cues and gestures.

I am giving you this background because we have had a thing lately that I hesitate to say is unpleasant, but it is. Okay, it’s down right annoying.

The first time I heard her say the words “Mommy, I am trying to talk to you.” I was overjoyed. What an articulate sentence for her at this stage. It actually sounds like “I am trying-a talk to you”. That’s probably influenced by my lazy speech, because I am always trying “ta” do something. So anyway, it’s so cute, until she starts tapping on you saying it over and over. Screaming “I am trying a talk to you!!!” You can respond, but if she doesn’t have your undivided attention she will grab your face and make you look at her.

I am a multitasker. What mom isn’t? So when I am putting on shoes, packing lunch, and looking for my keys while trying to be less than 15 minutes late in the morning I get a slightly perturbed that SJ doesn’t settle for the answer of “I know! I am listening. What do you want?”. Or even when we are in the car and I try to tell her “SJ I can’t look at you, because I am driving, but I can hear you. Just say it.” This has been going on for a couple months now.

Eventually I realized why it is so important for her to be able to see my face and know that I hear her. Her body is wired to listen through visuals. Does that make sense? We are working very hard at teaching her to be able to listen with her hearing devices. We want to convince her of how useful sound and language can be, but it’s not natural. At this point in the game in takes a very conscious effort! That’s why she is in a deaf-ed preschool full time.

I don’t know to what degree she reads lips, but she does. She seems to do it very well actually. So for her, she listens best when she can see you and she probably thinks I am the same (and in some ways this is true). It makes sense that when she says she is trying to talk to me and I say I am listening, while simultaneously cooking dinner, she doesn’t buy it.

As I was pondering all this the other day the Lord so graciously tugged at my heart. He always has a way of teaching us through our children doesn’t He? I realized how often God is saying to me “I am trying to talk to you” and I say “I know God, I am listening”. But he is not buying it and he continues to pursue me “I am trying to talk to you”. “I know God, I know. I can listen and drive at the same time! I am not texting, just listening. Totally legal.” Then He repeats Himself through Psalm 46:10 when he says “Be Still and know that I am God”. That’s when I realize I want to respond like David in Psalm 27:8 and say “Your face, Lord, I will seek.” Not just reading or hearing words, but to seek his expressions. There are many ways to listen. Are we listening for God’s voice with every part of us? Are we using our hearts? Are we using our ears? Are we studying His face and his movements on a spiritual level? I know that I have not been, but I am glad my heavenly Father has even more tenacity than SJ to keep calling to me and saying

I am trying to talk to you. 

This time I am listening. I am going to stop, and with every part of me I will listen.

By |2015-05-14T23:15:27+00:00January 30, 2015|Uncategorized|11 Comments
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Valentine’s Craft

I know I titled this as a “Valentine’s craft”, but love and hearts are in style year round, which makes this project extremely versatile.  You could help your child decorate a card for grandma, you could make a nice painting to frame and hang, or you could use it as an object lesson while teaching Bible verses about love. It’s inexpensive creative fun, and my favorite part is that it could work for almost any age. 
All you need is some paint, paper, bowls, and a couple empty paper towel or toilet paper rolls.
1. Choose your paint. I used Crayola washable paint and narrowed it down to 4 colors.
2. Pour a tablespoon of the paint into a bowl. 
3. Have the child bend the tubes into the shape of a heart and tape each one into place to help them hold their shape. I used a paper towel roll and cut it into thirds.
4. Dip the rolls into the paint and use them as stamps. That’s it! 
You still have plenty of time before valentines day to start collecting those cardboard tubes. I will warn you that this craft can get a little messy, 
but the Crayola washable paint boasts that it is “washability you can trust” and it is. We’ve never had any trouble with it staining clothing, furniture, or anything else. 
 I hope your children enjoy this craft as much as mine do. 
Today I am linking up with the #showmethelovelinkup over at The Loflands
I would also like to say thank you to Rust and Sunshine for this fun craft idea. Lastly, I wanted to mention that these photos are a few years old (2012) and I have featured this craft before, but it’s such a hit I wanted to share it again. 
By |2015-05-18T04:21:51+00:00January 29, 2015|Crafts, Creativity, Uncategorized|11 Comments
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It’s Potty Time

My husband and I potty trained willingly at 18 months according to our mothers. So 7 years ago when I had Z I thought that would be how it would go. When he was a year and a half I bought the fancy little toilet that starts singing when you pee in it. I also got a package of big boy underwear, a potty training doll, and M&M’s for rewards. I took pictures of everything and documented the whole process because I would most certainly be blogging about this in a month, teaching other mothers all of the secrets of how to successfully potty train their children.

One month later I was cowering in the linen closet eating a king size bag of M&M’s. I quit!

I tried again about 6 months later because I was pregnant and I was not about to have two children in diapers at once. Not me (typical thoughts of a first time mom). Not long after that I was devouring M&M’s in-between feedings and changing two sets of diapers. That’s right, I had quit round two of potty training Z. However, it wasn’t long after changing a tiny newborn’s diaper that I decided that Z was too big to be in diapers and he was surely ready to be wiping his own bottom. You know how having a newborn makes your other children instantly double in size? It’s a crazy phenomenon. At that point I decided Z was done with diapers, and it turns out this time he finally was. Although, let’s be honest, it was not because I decided it.

I regret almost everything about that experience. He wasn’t ready and I was really pushy. If I learned anything in the midst that whole year of on and off attempts it would be that I need to calm down and have a lot more patience. I have seen moms struggle with potty training a 4 year old, so I am not in the camp that says “wait until they are ready and then they will never have an accident and the whole thing will be effortless”. Sometimes waiting a little longer helps, I’ve also seen it back fire. There is definitely no one right way to do it. You just have to go by what works for you, your child, and in some cases the child care provider even has a say.

Now that I am doing this potty training business for a third time I am experienced enough to know that I have no idea what to expect. I have decided to at least TRY round one with Ezie when he is 2 and a half, which is in a week. I have one week left to do my regular household duties without having to panic about where Ezie is going to do his doodie. The truth is, having a child that can take care of their own toilet needs is glorious, having a child that needs their diaper changed really isn’t that terrible when you are used to it. It’s the in-between stage that will cause an otherwise strong warrior mother to beg for mercy and wave the white flag. Alas, I have one more week before potty training purgatory. I guess it’s time to stock up on M&M’s.


I hope these photos don’t offend anyone. This is a classic shot of brother sister bathroom time before they were old enough to be modest.

PS- I never mentioned anything about potty training SJ, because as many of you know, I didn’t. She was like me I guess, in that she hopped on the toilet as a one and a half year old and never looked back. Sure, she had accidents, and it was always the worst timing when she did. But at least she was self motivated. I already know Ezie does not share the same zeal for the bathroom as his sister did.

By |2015-05-18T04:22:11+00:00January 26, 2015|Babies & Toddlers, Uncategorized|9 Comments
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Pinewood Derby

The Pinewood Derby race is one of the biggest events of the year for Cub Scouts and this was Z’s first year to participate. With help form an adult, the scouts are expected to build their own car out of wood. Sure you start with a kit, but it’s more than just something you would find at Ikea with minimal assembly required. They actually have to carve, drill, nail, and paint the thing. 

I was so happy to see these two working as a team. J and Z have a wonderful relationship, but I know J hates how much he has to be away since being in school full time.

The pack has a tune up meeting the week of the race to weigh in and make sure your car meets all the specific qualifications. 
They expect a lot out of these little Tiger Cubs. It’s not just about assembling a car to roll down a track. They are expected to craft it in a way that will improve the performance level. So they are not only learning basic carpentry, but they are also implementing lots of scientific components like momentum and aerodynamics. You would be surprised at how much goes into these races, unless you have been a part of Pinewood Derby. In which case, none of this surprises you at all. 
The track is on a slope like this. 
They line up 6 cars at a time and all of the names of those on deck show up on a big screen. 
That’s Z’s batman car in the middle. At the end of the track is a timer that shows the speed and rank of each car. They race multiple times and at the end they average all the times to find the winner.

I was worried about Z not ranking very high. They put so much effort into all of it and I knew he would be disappointed if he lost, but I just wanted him to learn good sportsmanship. We would always pray about the upcoming derby day and I would try to really emphasize “Help Z to do his best” “Let your will be done on the race track” “We commit to having a good attitude and to be a light no matter what happens with Z’s derby car”. You might laugh at such a silly prayer, unless you have been a part of a Pinewood Derby. In which case, again, none of this surprises you. 
In the end Z actually got third place, so he did get a trophy and he was super proud. This isn’t one of those everyone gets a trophy deals. Plenty of 6-10 year old boys were in tears over defeat that day. I am sure I will be wiping those tears away for another competition. We’ve been there before, but this time he beamed. 
His grandpa and dad were by his side for whole thing and I am sure this is a moment he is going to remember for a long, long time. 

Z has never participated in any sports or competitive activities yet, so I am really glad he got to have this opportunity. This quote taken directly from pinewoodderby.org really sums it all up. “At the heart of this event’s success is the process itself- bonds are strengthened as the Cub Scout partners with a  parent or adult mentor to design, carve, paint, weigh, refine, and race the car.”

Win our loose, this was priceless bonding time for a dad and his first born son. It doesn’t get much better than that.

By |2015-05-18T04:22:27+00:00January 23, 2015|My Life, Schooling, Uncategorized|8 Comments
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Messy Mom’s Tidy Daughter

My blog title is Messy Mom for a reason. I am messy by nature, so is my mom, and so is my best friend. I have referred to our entire family as The Messies before. That’s what I was used to, until SJ. She’s only four years old and is already very structured and orderly. But can I really label her as fastidious at such a young age? Yes. I can. Let’s back up.


When SJ was one she taught herself to go potty. She dressed herself including buttoning and zipping.

When she was two she started to prepare her own meals. Granted they were a bit eccentric, but I swore if there were ever some kind of apocalyptic situation where the world was in crisis SJ, our deaf toddler, would be one of the last survivors.

At age three she could fold clothes better than most men. I know that’s not saying a lot, but trust me, she is precise.

At four years old SJ is now able to wash her hair, brush it, and pull it back into a pony tail. She also cuts her own finger nails. I don’t like this idea, but after observing her with the baby nail clippers several times, I am convinced that she can handle it (with supervision). 

These stories give you just a glimpse of how she has always been very independent and has some serious fine motor skills, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s clean and tidy. Except for the fact that now that she is coming up on 5 years old it is really starting to manifest. SJ is very thorough and detail oriented when it comes to cleaning. She sees something out of place and she is going to fix it. Lately I have been trying to keep things clean around the apartment. This behavior is not to be expected the other 11 months of the year (it’s a new years tradition I guess). Anyway I washed the couch cover and swept/vacuumed and mopped the floors. And while most children wouldn’t notice (and my husband certainly did not) SJ came into the living room after school that day and without a second thought she exclaimed “It’s clean!!” Then she went to her room where I had vacuumed and she said “Carpet is clean!” and stroked it with her hand. It’s embarrassing for me to admit that this was something that was out of the ordinary. The point is, it mattered to her. She noticed and she got really excited. 
I won’t tell you all the stories of how she loves to put things away, wipe down counters, scrub little crusted pieces of food off of the table, or help me clean my room, but she does all of that with skill and precision. Yesterday she insisted on vacuuming and let me tell you, when she was done she wound up the cord back into it’s place and then put the vacuum (which was bigger than her) in the closet where it belongs. Why can’t I do that!? I think about unplugging the vacuum, but then what if I decide I want to use it again, then I’d have to get to start all over. That’s my thought process you guys. It’s bad. I am thrilled to have a little helper around the house though.

Unlike her brother. With Z I have to walk him through the whole process step by step. It is like pulling teeth. Of course it would be easier to do it myself, but the chores are for his sake so that he can learn. With SJ, even though she’s so tiny, she really does pack a lot of punch in the cleaning department and it has been beneficial to me. She gets the job done! I’m serious. It’s awesome.

Then there are times that I worry about how her personality will affect our relationship later in life.

 Is my laid back, do it later mentality going to drive her insane? Is her slightly obsessive attention to detail going to make me loose my cool? I hope not. My plan at this point is to take the Frozen approach to the whole thing and teach my little queen Elsa how to control her powers and use them for the good of our own personal Arendelle.

Or maybe she will change as she grows up and she won’t turn out like Monica from Friends.

I doubt it though, she’s pretty hard core right now and it’s only grown over the years. Have any of you seen this type of behavior in a child before? Or maybe you were that way as a child? Are you the neat freak type, or are you like me and let’s just say your strengths are in other areas? I think we can all learn and benefit from each others differences. The world needs both type of personalities and apparently my family does too.

By |2015-05-18T04:22:35+00:00January 22, 2015|My Life, Uncategorized|8 Comments
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What Am I Doing?

If you couldn’t see this blog yesterday you are not alone! One minute it was fine, and then the next thing you know it said “server cannot be found” (or a variation of that message depending on what web browser was used). For 24 hours messymom.com came up blank! I panicked and immediately recruited my IT husband to get to the bottom of it.

It seems like every few years I run into a situation like this, but it’s usually because I fail to pay my bill. 5 years ago I went from themessymom.com to just messymom.com because I lost my domain name to some poachers the day it expired. Then two years ago I had my bank card compromised and cancelled, so the automatic draft didn’t go through to renew my site. The next day some nasty, I mean NASTY photos and web links took over my blog for a day until I got it all sorted out. That was fun. Not really.

This time wasn’t as bad. After some inquiring on Facebook I had dozens of people respond saying they could access this site just fine. Everyone except for those using a certain internet service provider. Which is weird. We still don’t know for certain, but I guess it was some technical problem with a DNS server… thingy… I think. I dunno. I’m back now, and that’s what matters.

So now that I’m back what am I doing? I am glad I asked. Every year I say this is going to be the year I make some big changes to my blog and it never happens. One of the issues I ran into when my site was down was that I had little to no control over the inner workings of this blog and no way to contact the people who do. Blogger.com is a free site, so you can only be so picky. On the other hand, if I want to go to self hosting we are talking about venturing out to an area beyond my expertise. Not to mention I don’t have any extra money to spend on a hobby right now so if I am going to pay to play then I need to be bringing in some return on my investment. In other words, if I am going to dump any money into this blogging thing then I need to figure out how to get some money back.

J and I talked whenever this debacle happened and he encouraged me to consider making that step. I agreed, and looked at this server nightmare as a bit of a confirmation that now may be the time to pursue some of the ideas I have been tossing around for the past 7 years of this blogging journey. It’s exciting and nerve wracking. We’ll see if I actually do anything about it, but I just posted it on the real live internet so that’s worth something right?

Effective immediately, I have been networking a little. I was featured in the 4 Real Moms newsletter this month! Remember my blog post about Taking Pictures Alone VS. Taking Pictures With Your Family? Here is a little cutout of my spot in the newsletter-

You can view the entire newsletter HERE and subscribe to the monthly 4 Real Moms newsletter HERE. That was an exciting opportunity that I hope to do more of. Then next month, on Tuesday February 24th, I will be doing a guest post on Holly Barrett’s blog sharing some of my testimony. This will be a first for me and I am definitely looking forward to it. On top of that I just scheduled some guests post on this site as well, and I am super pumped about that.

Lot’s of stuff in the works. I could use all the prayers and encouragement I can get and if you are a WordPress user or you monetize your blog then please comment, message, or email me! I would love need to hear from you.

That’s all for this little announcement, but stay tuned as the proverbial ball slowly starts a rollin’.

By |2015-05-14T23:15:27+00:00January 20, 2015|Uncategorized|6 Comments
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Through Mother’s Eyes

This week I have been talking about books. As I already mentioned I recently read Glitter and Glue by Kelly Corrigan and Surprised By Motherhood by Lisa Jo Baker . The authors themselves and the main premise of each book is very different. However, they both take a deep and personal look at their mothers in hindsight after becoming a mother themselves. It is amazing what truths are unveiled to them that were there all along, but it’s different when you look back. It’s different when you are a mom.

In Baker’s memoir, Surprised By Motherhood, she looses her mother when she is 18 years old.  Nearly two decades later she is looking at her young daughter and she begins to see herself through her late mother’s eyes. So much healing takes place in that moment. It really is a moving story that I highly recommend. That particular part of the story truly resonated with me. Because in that moment she feels like she has a glimpse of what her mom felt. It is then that she knows that she was loved and she knows that she was known. She couldn’t have experienced it in a way that was so intricate or detailed until she applied it to the relationship she has with her own daughter.

I didn’t loose my mother, but I did loose a brother. Zeb was diagnosed when he was 3 years old. He had Leukemia. He died when he was about to turn 7 and I was 9. We were very close. I grieved the loss of my little brother, the baby of our family, my best friend. I had closure though. I knew he was in Heaven, and the way that I missed him evolved over time.

Then I became a mother. Sigh. Motherhood changes everything doesn’t it? And much in the way of these two authors who saw their mothers in a different light after having kids, I did as well. I understood now the price that she paid, willingly and lovingly, to raise her four children. I also felt like I had a new understanding, although I could never know completely, about what she went through with my little brother Zeb. I hesitate to say that it opens up a wound, but the good news is that God is gracious and merciful and that His presence is a balm for these feelings. He can soothe even the deepest abrasions.

You see, I lost a brother and that was tough. I cherish the memories I have of him. However, I pray that I will never know what it is like to loose a son. As a young girl I had NO idea what my parents went through. Looking back at it with my new perspective as a mom I have to grieve all over again. Every once in a while I will hear stories about that time in our life. I treasure these stories. It’s a part of my life and I want to know everything there is to know about my brother Zeb. I take it all in. Even the hard stuff. It might be stories about his treatment, the chemo, and bone marrow transplant. Or pictures of how young my mother was when she had to endure all this at the age I am now. Or just the look in her eyes when she talks about it. The wholeness and peace that comes from above, along with the empty space that never goes away. And you never want it to.

It’s been 23 years and she does cry every once in a while. Now that I am a mom I totally get that. I am sure she’s crying right now reading this (I am too). It’s weird the way life imprints dates, ages, places on your heart so that you can’t go pass them without tripping a wire. I am sure all of us have those times that serve as a memorial. For me, I think of my mom when my children (especially my oldest son) turn 3 and then 7. Z is seven now actually, and there was one night in particular, after putting him to bed and watching him drift to sleep, I just had to weep over the thought of what that would be like to lose him. I certainly don’t want all this to come across as an obsessive state of hopelessness and depression. It’s quite the contrary. On the occasion that these memories do arise I am reminded of the Savior’s sacrifice. I am reminded of the promise and the hope that we have through Christ. It’s also like rereading the living testament that my parents walk out daily as they prove the redeeming and powerful love of God in the midst of the storms. Lastly, I am honoring a precious little boy’s legacy.

As I read Lisa Jo Baker’s words and saw the healing that was evident through the pain. I also saw that at work in my own life and I am sure it can be true for you as well. We all experience different forms of loss and grief, and the way we grieve is as diverse as each one of us.

To bring this back to becoming a mom and seeing our moms in a new light I would like to share this little quote from Glitter and Glue,

“And it occurs to me that maybe the reason my mother was so exhausted all the time wasn’t because she was doing so much but because she was feeling so much.”


I don’t like to describe myself as exhausted, but if it looks like I am I can attest that this would be why. As these authors have described being a mother means feeling deeply. It’s braving the unknown only to feel your way through it. It’s not always easy, but of course it’s worth it.  

By |2015-05-18T04:22:53+00:00January 17, 2015|Motherhood, My Life, Uncategorized|7 Comments
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There is More Than One Way To Read a Book About Skinning a Cat

Thank God for the printed word! This world would be a very different place without it.

I am one of those old fashioned readers that loves to hold a book in my hand. I like pages. I like libraries. I enjoy taking notes in the margins and spilling coffee on the cover and having wavy pages. A stained tome with a bent up spine that smells like dust makes it all the more valuable, if you ask me.

I am also a sucker for instant gratification and multitasking which can sometimes trump my love for the nostalgic. So while I may be marching along with the librarians screaming Long live the hardback! I also may not be as committed as I sound. I’ll admit it. I am a fan of digital and audio books. If I decide I want to read a book and I know I can download it and read it right now rather than order it and wait for it to arrive in the mail. Or even worse try to figure out how I can contain my children while hunting down the desired title in a presumably quiet environment, like a library or book store.

Then come the times when I am trying to engineer some sort of concoction that can hold a book in front of me while I cook, fold, or bath. I’ve never really been successful with any of these attempts so that is where the audio book comes in. Perfect for car rides, exercise, baths, reading in the dark, and yes cleaning.

There are just a few problems that I have with the audio book though.

1. Sometimes I don’t like the voice of the narrator.
2. There are times you really want to read your book, but headphones aren’t really appropriate.
3. I like to stimulate my mind when I read and I feel like audio books interrupt that benefit.

The good news is the more I have tried audio books the more I learn ways around some of these pet peeves of mine.

1. Some voices just rub me the wrong way and when you have to listen to it for let’s say 12 hours, it’s important. The voice should be hearing the story not the voice, but it doesn’t always go this way. I am an a battle with audible.com right now over an audio book that sounds like a chipmunk is reading it. I won’t go into the details, but I was told I could exchange the book. Then I was told I couldn’t. Then I stewed for a few days. Then I sent out one last email and we’ll see how it goes. Either way I am not going to finish the audio version. It’s AWFUL. To avoid having to go through that again I think I will listen to the preview on iTunes first so I know what the narrator sounds like.

2. I posted a funny instagram about this predicament once. Because sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself.

 I have heard that there are ways that you can maneuver back and forth between audio book and digital book seamlessly with a kindle and that sounds fabulous. It’s nice to know I wasn’t the only one dealing with this problem and there are smart people out there inventing solutions. Now I just need a kindle!

3. It turns out when a book is being read to you, your brain processes all of it the same. There is no dumbing down with the audio route. Obviously reading is important, but from all the research I’ve read so is listening. There are some things that are better about actual reading, for example learning the spelling would be an obvious benefit. Then there are other things that would come from listening to a  book being read that you wouldn’t get other ways. Take enunciation for example. There is more to it than that, but it encouraged me to know that I wasn’t going to miss out with audio books. I still count them as books that I’ve read, and according to this article from Forbes and many others I read  that is totally fine.

Hopefully you’ve heard the phrase “There is more than one way to skin a cat” if not, than my title must seem pretty grotesque. The point is whether you choose to eat your macaroni with a fork, or spoon, or your hands it’s still macaroni and the same goes for literature. There is more than one way to consume a book. I like to dabble in a variety of options depending on my need at the moment. So now I want to hear from you. How do you like to read?

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By |2015-05-14T23:15:27+00:00January 16, 2015|Uncategorized|7 Comments
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