Hot Nanny Rant

I might get in trouble for this, but I’ve got some profound marriage advice for all the working moms and dads out there. Are you ready?

Stop hiring hot nannies. 

I know I will probably get hate mail for sexy shaming, but hear me out. At least a couple times a year some celebrity, politician, real life friend or whatever gets in trouble for having an affair with their nanny. Really. It’s so soap operay, but it seems to happen a lot and I think I may have a remedy for this.

How about picking a nanny whose experience could potentially surpass your age. When you look at the most influential nannies of the past century they look very different from the nannies I see on the cover of Us Weekly.

Take the Nanny reality shows for example. I never heard any scandals about any of them sexting.

Hot Nanny Rant

Or that movie from 2005 Nanny McPhee. See what I mean?

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Mary Poppins was cute and all, but if your nanny dresses like this then I’m not as concerned.

Mary Poppins

How about Mrs. Doubtfire? Yeah, I know “she” was a dad crossdressing to see his children illegally, but she was a good nanny!

FŸr seine Rolle als Mrs. Doubtfire erhielt Robin Williams ein Golden Globe als bester Hauptdarsteller.

So what you really want to look for in a nanny is someone that has a British accent and has their blouse buttoned all the way to the top. Umbrella and magic powers are recommended, but not required. What you don’t want is someone that looks like they just finished up auditioning for the bachelor.

There are a lot of bad celebrity examples that I could use to support my hot nanny theory, but I don’t want to give more attention to these sad stories. However there is one celebrity nanny where thankfully the dad actually made the RIGHT choice. Way to go dad! Last month after Eva Amurri’s husband got a lewd text from the nanny he came home to find her “waiting for him” in his bedroom. He secretly hit record on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t be framed or something (smart choice). Then he told her she was being extremely unprofessional and fired her on the spot. I hope he is an example for all the men out there put in this position. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work out this way.

So I’ve got a list of interview questions that could help weed out some of these sultry home wrecking nannies.

Of course you can ask all of the usual stuff like “What experience do you have working with children?” or “Do you know CPR?”, but here are some additional questions with ideal answers you would hope to hear.

  1. Do you know how to twerk? You want your nanny to assume this is a cooking term.
  2. What did you do for spring break 2014? You are looking for something along the lines of “Well, I got to see my kids who had been away at college”
  3. Do you have a public Facebook account? If so, ask to see it.
  4. What kind of music do you listen to? Anything that replaces the letter S with a $ or Z is a red flag.
  5. Have you had a boob job? If it’s reconstructive surgery that’s totally fine.
  6. What about a tramp stamp? Hopefully she thinks this has to do with a Disney movie and mailing a letter.
  7. When I say the word party do you picture shot glasses or a Curious George cake? Obviously we are looking for the latter here and bonus points if she has the pinterest board to back it up.
  8. Do you plan to use CPR on my husband? This is a trick question. The answer is no.
  9. Do you have a snapchat account? If so say I am sorry, but this job is not for you.

Okay, okay, I’ll admit it. Even if you did find the perfect nanny I’m sure she would be terrified to work for you after hearing these questions, so you might want to scratch that idea. But seriously there is no shame in creeping on their Facebook.

By | March 2nd, 2016|Laughter, Uncategorized|7 Comments

The Smallest Person. The Most Laundry.

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In the past three weeks my mom, my husband, and I have all collaboratively worked toward keeping the piles of dirty laundry from taking over house. It’s like some kind of horror movie. I could just picture the clothes eventually coming to life and forming a mutiny. Instead of The Walking Dead it’s The Walking Threads.

I am grateful for the help I have had with these excess loads of laundry, but since when did washing clothes become such a massive effort?  It feels like it is endless! All because of a sweet little baby? How could one tiny new family member triple our laundry?

Her socks could fit on my thumbs. An entire new born baby outfit is smaller than one of my three year old’s pant legs. It’s not like she is a fashionista. She’s three weeks old! WHERE IS ALL THIS LAUNDRY COMING FROM?

When I really stop and think about it, it does make sense though.

Sure she’s cute and small, but don’t let that fool you. She’s a mess.

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Every time I change her diaper she pees. I try to be really fast and wipe her while the dirty diaper is underneath and then get a clean one on her bottom immediately, but somehow in that brief moment with no diaper she always pees and it’s often accompanied by poop. I have learned to put a changing pad under her, but then that means her outfit and the changing pad are now soiled and need to go into the hamper.

For her first Doctor’s appointment she peed on their exam table and then I picked her up so that they could change the paper out and she pooped ALL OVER ME. She wasn’t even 8 pounds at the time so it’s pretty amazing that she could even hold that much bright mustardy yellow poo and yet there it was, all over my shirt.

Ohhh and the spit up! Projectile spit up. Spit up everywhere.

Maybe you are familiar with the Moby Wrap? It’s cool. My sister in law is letting me borrow hers. How it works is that you wrap yourself and the baby with 5 yards of fabric. Then you get enough spit up or a blow out diaper on that thing and that’s a half a load of laundry right there.


Plus all the burp cloths, sheets and blankets that get pee, poop, or spit up on them.

I can’t really blame her for my leaky breasts, but I kind of can, so I will. I usually wear pajamas several times before washing them because I generally don’t have a reason to. Well, that used to be the case. Now I am lucky if I don’t have to change shirts in the middle of the night. YIKES!

Blankets + sheets + wraps + shirts + pants + changing pads + baby = a BUNCH of laundry.

It’s all good though. Before you know it I’ll be hauling her prom dress off to the dry cleaner. I look forward to those days too, but for now I’m cherishing all the burp cloths…

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and teeny tiny jeggings. 

By | December 7th, 2015|Babies, Laughter|3 Comments

Tooth Fairy Disappointment

I have another kiddo joining the adult tooth rank. It’s funny how different it has been though. 2 years ago when Z was in this position he barely made any mention of his tooth at all and on Christmas eve it fell out! We were wondering how he would ever get to sleep that night with all the excitement. The tooth fairy and Santa all in one night?

I figured my job was done when I sneakily grabbed the tooth in exchange for a dollar, but  in the middle of the night he lost a SECOND tooth and also slid it under the pillow. I panicked, but we were able to distract him while we did a snatch and grab of the 2nd tooth. We got it all on camera which was fun.

I was hoping to do the same thing with SJ and get her reaction too. She has been anticipating this moment for a couple weeks. I remember the day she noticed her tooth was loose. She was sitting on the couch and her eyes got really big as she exclaimed “My teeth is falling out!” then she panicked and got a paper towel and stared at her tooth in the mirror. She obsessed over that tooth everyday telling anyone in sight that her tooth was broken. We explained the whole baby teeth big teeth thing and how it would fall out and you would get money. The night she lost the tooth we put it in a ziplock under her pillow and she as beaming as she fell asleep awaiting the tooth fairies arrival.
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When I heard her wake up I rushed into her room so that I could record her reaction on my phone only what happened next was not at all what I was expecting.

At first I thought she was upset because she did not see the 4 shiny quarters in a bag, but that wasn’t it. She saw them. She just didn’t want them. She wanted her tooth back and she was very clear about it. She cried for a while and then began to desperately look all over her room because she just couldn’t believe the tooth was gone.

In the long run she got over it and spent her money on a small beach bucket and shovel. I should know by now to expecting the unexpected with kids, but I certainly wasn’t predicting the first lost tooth to be so eventful for either of my children! They have a way of keeping me on my toes.

By | August 4th, 2015|Laughter, My Life|4 Comments

It’s Like a Naked Nightmare

I apologize that I haven’t started my Look Back and Laugh Linkup like I thought I would. I did want to share a little “Look Back and Laugh” story that happened to me last week though.

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Here is the scene. Our bathroom has two doors. One goes to the master bedroom and the other goes to the hall way. While I was taking a shower someone locked the door. I don’t know who the perpetrator was or what in the world their motive was, but if we had surveillance cameras I bet we’d see a curious little two year old turning a lock and walking out slamming the door behind him.

Unaware of this, I tried getting into my room from the bathroom and from the hall only to find both doors locked and no one in there to unlock it. I panicked. I know you can pick an interior lock with a bobby pin or something like that, but I have tried that before when this has happened and could never get it to work. J has been the only one able to unlock these door knobs.

I figured J could walk me through it if he were available, but guess what? MY PHONE WAS IN MY ROOM! So there I was wrapped up in a towel with no access to my clothes whatsoever. I pretty much freaked out. I had access to all the other rooms, but I needed my clothes. I could ask one of my apartment neighbors to use their phone, but HELLO! I’m in a towel. Is this like a messed up Desperate Housewives episode or what? Maybe I could fit into Z’s clothes, but come on, he’s 7 and I am pregnant. Not. Going. To. Happen.

J wasn’t due home for several hours and to make matters worse for once in my life I had plans. A baby sitter was coming over so that I could go out to a show with my sister in law.  What in the world would you do in that situation?

Well, now that I think you are feeling how I was at that moment I can share the miracle that happened. Although my computer had also been in my room, I just happened to bring it into the kitchen shortly before my shower. When I realized that I texted J (which I can do via iMessage on the laptop) but he was in school so I watched a few youtube videos about lock picking (and was again unsuccessful) but eventually J was able to text me back and walk me through it.

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So it all worked out in the end, but my heart was POUNDING. Next time something like that happens I better wake up and realize it was all a dream!

By | June 9th, 2015|Laughter|14 Comments

Look back and laugh Things Z said at 2

10398759_114688344699_6456199_n My son just turned 3 over the weekend.  I look back at the past year and having a two year old was certainly challenging, but he would always say the cutest things to make up for the hard times. Here are 10 of my favorite saying from Z-

1. “I was louding for you. Did you hear me?” (meaning he was yelling)

2. “I want Bud Light” (He used to call Buzz Light Year, Buzz Light, only he mispronounced it)

3. “I stopped screaming see” (as he would point inside his mouth)

4. I said “Z you melt my heart” and he said “no your heart’s right there” and points to this hanging on the wall

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5. “I don’t want style and I don’t want style on my head” (in regards to hair gel)

6. I am waiting for the Lion King (His response when a woman asked if He was waiting for the King of Kings and Lord of Lords)

7. “The baby wants a beer” (he pronounces bear as beer. When he thought the baby wanted a teddy bear it sounds like something else)

8. When he was trying to eat my brownie I said “No that’s mommy’s” and he responds “No, that’s chocolate”

9. “The cloud turn the light off” (When the room got darker because of a cloud blocking the natural light)

10. ” I’m dissapointed! I am SO dissa really pointed” (I guess he thinks disappointed is two words?)

There are so many others and I wish I could remember them all. Who knows what his newfound 3 year old vocabulary will bring. I am sure it will be fun!

This post is linked to Oh Amanda’s Top Ten Tuesday.

By | September 7th, 2010|Laughter, Uncategorized|4 Comments