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Being Fun and Unpredictable

I’ve given a lot of information over the past 21 days of this series. It’s been a little overwhelming for me and hopefully not too much for you. I feel like a lot of it is freeing and I am very passionate about the idea of Teachable Parenting, but I never want to come across as preachy. You can get so wrapped up in the “how to” parenting stuff that even the gentle discipline approach can become a beating for the adult. It’s not supposed to be that way.
Children are a lot of work, and it can be exhausting.
For the people that comment nearly everyday “You look like you have your hands full” or “they sure are strong willed aren’t they” All I can say is yes.
Yes I do have my hands full and yes they are strong willed, but I’d rather full than empty. I’d rather strong than weak.
It’s not as bad as it may look in passing. I get to have a lot of fun with these little fire balls. So, today I want to share a parenting tip that is more about enjoyment together.

 

In Wild Things the book recommends changing it up, being unpredictable or risk being dismissed. They give a story of a mother that made spaghetti and meatballs for her husband and two sons (ages twelve and fifteen) and served it on the patio behind their house. In the middle of dinner
she picked up a handful of spaghetti and chucked it at the boys. The salad and meatballs shortly followed. Both boys were so amazed that they just sat there,
stunned at first, and then began laughing harder and longer than they ever had in their life. None of their friends believed them when the boys told them what
had happened. This mother was neither predictable nor dismissed. She was a hero.
Now, I am not suggested scoring through pinterest for calculated ideas on how to be the unpredictable mom. I think you need to be yourself and I think you need to have fun with your kids in whatever way shape or form that looks like to you. Not everyday is going to be fun. You are the parent not the BFF, but the point is to lighten up from time time, especially if you feel like your home is becoming a purgatory.
My latest crazy fun family time which I haven’t shared on this blog yet, was the Color Dash Bubble Bash that I did over the summer. It was also a beautiful lesson in paying it forward because BB4K is an organization that helped fund my daughter’s summer therapy this year at her deaf school. Not only were we able to give through the money raised for the event, but we had blast! The event happened over a month ago and they haven’t stopped talking about it since.
That wasn’t some creative idea that I came up with and it doesn’t have to be. Or if it is like the spaghetti thing than that’s great too. Or it could be spur of the moment thing. Another recent super, crazy, fun activity was when my husband and son were flying a glider in the park and my husband decided to tape his phone to the plane to see video from the planes perspective.I gripe about my kids in a light hearted way because I want others to know that for most of us motherhood is not a cake walk and it’s normal to feel like your are loosing your mind. It’s also normal to feel like you are experiencing the fullness of God’s blessings everyday through the beautiful children He’s given you. They are a lot of fun, and sometimes it’s up to us to join in!

I previously mentioned the post I wrote called “Turns Out Mom Was Right” and I share some of her more unpredictable moments, which turned into unforgettable memories. I also explain why these experiences meant so much to me.

Think back to your childhood when did you see your parents kick back and loosen up? What were the times that you laughed the hardest? What kind of fun traditions or wild spontaneous memories are you building with your children?

 

I think you know what the next teachable parent challenge is! Have fun…

By |2015-07-25T10:53:20+00:00October 22, 2014|Motherhood, Parenting Tips, Uncategorized|5 Comments
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Tackling Those Terrible Tantrums

I went on and on yesterday explaining the mind of a toddler. If you missed it I would encourage you to go back and read it sometime. I consider it Part One of my toddler spin off series. Some of you have been on the edge of your seats waiting for my ultimate toddler tip and I hope you are not too disappointed to hear that I came up with this one all by myself (thank you very much). This also means you should proceed with caution considering it’s like the moonshine of parenting advice. It’s just three simple actions that I have found apply to nearly every tantrum scenario in some form or another. The three words are:

 Correct. Redirect. Disconnect. 

Before we dive in, let me address some potentially controversial points. When I talk about a temper tantrum I am going to assume that we can all use our best judgement to know what a tantrum is compared to a legitimate need, and I am also going to assume that these are for children that do not have any special sensory processing disorders or other special needs because I don’t know what the best approach is in those situations. And lastly I am going to go ahead and specify that this is for around 2-4 year olds. I personally believe that a child younger than 18 months is not manipulating a parent. There is tons of research to support that babies in the first two years of life need nurturing, loving response above anything else. I do not believe in “disconnect” with babies. I will have to stop there or I’ll start another blog post. 


That’s my boy during his two year old photo session. He’s a doll isn’t he? 

Okay, so yesterday we learned that most toddlers are going to act out of control for a couple years. Even though it might be inevitable that does not mean we let them get away with spitting, hitting, biting, screaming, thrashing, yelling… fill in the blank. No way! This is the most crucial time for us to teach our children the right way to handle their emotions and it is a privilege to do so. That is why of course we correct it every time. Even if it takes 100 or more times before we see improvement. 

After we have addressed the issue through correction we can get them to move on to something else which is where the redirect comes in. In some cases this also means relocate. This is the part were we give our child a chance to calm down rather than blow up. 

 However, for those that have strong willed children they are focused on whatever they have their minds set on and they are going to dig their heels into the ground until there are ruts! That means it’s time for you to disconnect. I don’t think you should abandon your screaming child completely or leave them in a dangerous situation, but if you have already addressed the issue then there is no need stir the pot or cater to their disrespect. It’s time to let them ride the wave until they are ready to return to their senses. According to Love and Logic 
“The best way to raise a chronically unhappy and poorly behaved kid is to make a habit of giving them a lot of attention or pizzazz when they are misbehaving.” 
Sometimes it’s best for the child to be screaming in their room so the family can go about their business contecting with each other. It won’t be long before your little bug-a-boo (or whatever pet name you have) is totally recuperated and ready to be involved again. 

Keep in mind this isn’t always a 3 step process that has to be done with all three in the same order. Sometimes you just have to correct and disconnect. Other times you don’t have to disconnect at all if the redirect part works. Exactly what this looks like will depend on the age and the situation, but I’ll give a few examples that I have dealt with in the past six years with my children. I’ll put asterisks with links next to the tips that have been previously mentioned in this series.

18-24 Months Old:
The child takes a toy from his playmate. 

Correct: Tell the child “Uh Oh. We don’t take toys. You need to give it back and say sorry.” *Short and simple*

Redirect: Offer the child a different toy.

Disconnect: If the child is throwing a huge fit about it, you may just have to wait out the temper tantrum. Let the toddler know they can continue play time when they calm down and then do not give them attention in response to their whaling.


Two Year old:
The child wants to walk, but you need them to sit in the stroller.
Correct: “I’m sorry you are upset, but mommy is going to push you in the stroller so that you can stay safe with me.” *Enforceable statement*
Redirect: “Do you want to sit and do the buckle yourself or do you want mommy to help?” If they don’t decide in 10 seconds you sit them in the stroller if possible. *Choices*
Disconnect: No time for melt downs. Push that stroller mama! I use this example because I have a two year old and he has to go with me to pick up his brother and sister inside their schools everyday and has to be done in a hurry! The stroller is a life saver for me because he can be buckled in and I can keep moving.  

3 Year Old: 

You are at a gift shop on Vacation and you are buying batteries. Meanwhile your child has decided to pick out a $45 gigantic stuffed horse.

Correct: “Uh-Oh. That horse can’t come with us! He has to stay here, say bye bye horse”

Redirect: “Do you want to hold these batteries and we can go see some butterflies?”

Disconnect: In the real life story where this took place my daughter threw herself on the ground literally kicking and screaming. I had to check out, so relocating wasn’t an option. I was by myself and she is getting a little too big to try to hold when she’s flailing like that. So she made a huge scene and I stood there calmly knowing that despite what anyone else around me was thinking I was aware that “I control myself, but I don’t control others”. In these situations I will often have people comment “Ewww, that floor is dirty” In a helpful way trying to coerce the chid to get up. I just agree with them and keep controlling myself. No big deal (even if it feels like it is). Eventually it’s over, I haven’t had to spend the night in the store yet. Rest assured, they WILL grow out tot this.

4 Year Old:

I hope your child is mature enough to never, ever throw a fit at this age, but for mothers like me that may have late bloomers here is my advice. They are crossing a bridge developmentally at this age. Try to introduce a lot more of the timer, choices, enforceable statements, and logical consequences, but be feel free to treat them like a toddler if they choose to act like one.

For example, The child is having a great time on a play date until lo and behold it’s over and they have to go home! So they insist that they are not leaving.

Correct: You really love playing with your friend don’t you? Too bad, we have to go home. *empathy primes the pump for learning*


Redirect: Why don’t you see if there is a CD you want to listen to in the car?If they don’t take the redirect bait then go ahead and switch to the relocate tactics. I have been in plenty of situations where I have to use force to break up a play date. If your child is big enough to carry and I pray for your sake they are, then you might have to do what I call the bandaid technique. Just rip it off quick instead of prolonging the agony. In other words grab them and head for the door. Or if not, you’ll have to consider some logical consequences, or enlist your friend to help. My kids always listen to other people for some reason.

Disconnect: You might have to listen to a lot of screaming. The good news is you are in the car so it’s a little easier to ignore because they are stuck in their seat and you don’t have to look at them. 


This is a photo my husband took when I was pregnant with my second and my 2 year old wanted to be carried everywhere! I just couldn’t do that all the time and she is my “throw yourself on the ground tantrumer”. So It took a long time to get anywhere in that season.

I know these might seem obvious and probably not helpful. I wish I had a magic wand, but instead I just get a chance to practice a lot of patience and perseverance.  It’s a wonderful age though. Just consider the Correct, Redirect, and Disconnect approach when facing some of these challenges and last, but not least,

I repeat -This too shall pass!   

 
This is day 21 of a 31 day series. For more Teachable Parenting click HERE.

By |2015-05-18T04:46:33+00:00October 21, 2014|Babies & Toddlers, Parenting Tips, Uncategorized|3 Comments
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Inside the Mind of a Toddler

I was planning on writing about the “Terrible Twos” yesterday, but I had so much to say on the topic that I had to do another post in it’s place and break this one up into two parts. That means tweaking my entire 31 days plan. That is how important this topic is to me! 

For the past 20 days I have been talking about some Teachable Parenting methods that rely heavily on Love and Logic principals. The problem is, I know that myself, most of my friends, and many of my readers have preschool age children and the rules of logic don’t apply to them. Well, they do the little ones just haven’t gotten the memo yet. Hope is not lost though, and over the next two days I am going to be focusing specifically on toddler age children. Even if you don’t have toddlers it could give some insight for when you are around them or their exhausted parents. 

I feel like I have read it
all and seen it all, but when it comes to the tricks that stick with toddlers I
can’t tell you one specific thing that I have had consistent success with. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t looking
for solution to the long term goal as much as I was hoping for a “get out of
jail free” card. I’m entering my third round of toddlerhood with my youngest and even though there are parts I am dreading, I feel like this time I am more
prepared than ever. It’s not because I think I know how to fix it, but rather (as
with the theme of this series) I know that I can’t. It is going to take a lot of
patience, a lot of prayer, and a good deal of Ben and Jerry’s therapy. I have
always said God had to balance this age out because they are so stinking cute. 

If
it wasn’t for all the headache and heartache we might just spoil them to pieces and they wouldn’t learn any boundaries at all. What good would that be? This
is the perfect age for them to see cause and effect by pushing every button and
testing every limit.

I so often see moms posting
questions on social media or discussing in real life concerns about how their
cute little tyrant is misbehaving and the mother is despretaly seeking a solution (get out of
jail card). Sometimes there is one, but most of the time the answer is “this too shall pass”. It’s not that you ignore the child’s
needs, your needs, or the learning opportunity that is there, but at the risk
of sounding like the worst parenting advice ever, set your expectations low
until they are 5. In the book Wild Things there is a chapter called The Explorer which deals with advice for boys of this age (2-4) and it says, “Because of where he is in his development, an Explorer is incapable of self-regulating. A common mistake that parents make with Explorers is to place unrealistic expectations on them to control their own behavior. Requiring high levels of self-control at this stage only sets up an Explorer for failure. This is the one part of the journey of boy-hood where we need to expect less from boys and be pleasantly surprised when they self-regulate. We are not suggesting that you have no expectations, just realistic ones.” 

 I know people where age two was a breeze, but three was
hard. I’ve seen the tantrum stage last from 1-4. A lot of people find tremendous
breakthrough at the age of four, but then others swear it’s the climax. If you
say that 5 was your worst stage or anything above that, well then you are just
dealing with a different issue entirely.

I am not saying that 5 is
easy peasy for everybody, but there are a lot of physical and mental changes
that take place by this age. A 5 year olds behavioral issues compared to a 3
year old is apples and oranges. I have learned a great deal about neurological
pathways since my daughter was diagnosed deaf. I wrote a whole piece about the
science of language, which is pretty darn fascinating if you ask me. This
applies to more than just language though. Did you know that a two year old has
double the amount of connections your adult brain does? No fair, right? We all
start out with trillions of neurological pathways and as I mentioned when I
blogged about language, you use it or loose it. So while you see your toddler
busy dumping out a box of cereal, watching Doc Mcstuffins, or napping, their minds are super busy doing neural pruning. This is a really important stage for
learning. It’s all about repetition, routine, limits, and social skills, and NOT academics focused, although I’ll save that for another post. Anyway, the whole point is their brains are still forming and
developing up to age 4, but ESPECIALLY in the first 3 years of life. From what I have researched, the part of the brain that regulates the emotion and controls social behavior (the prefrontal cortex) is one of the last areas to develop and this starts around age 4. Surprise, surprise! 

 By age 5 (without going into detail) things are pretty well set developmentally and your 5 year old has the same brain they will have their entire life. Now they just have to mature and fill it up with the
wisdom and knowledge that comes with time.

Anyway Dr. smarty pants
Michael Potegla, Ph.D. pediatric
neuropsychologist has several years of research and he concludes that you can pretty
much anticipate this “out of control” behavior from about 18 months to 4 years.
If you read the entire article on Parenting.com you can learn more about the
mechanics going on inside that tiny nogen and as mentioned in the book Wild
Things “Understanding how your children’s bodies work and develop is a form of
lowing them well.” I couldn’t agree more.

So fear not fellow parents, you are not crazy and your stubborn toddler is not a lost case. They are at a fascinating important stage of development where a potential side effect is grey hair for you. I’ve got a few tips to help get through it though and I’ll have part 2 of toddlerhood tomorrow. Hang in there.

This is day 20 of a 31 day series. For the rest of Teachable Parenting click HERE.

By |2015-05-18T04:46:56+00:00October 20, 2014|Babies & Toddlers, Uncategorized|9 Comments
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Children Are People


All the books I mentioned and
the whole concept of Teachable Parenting comes down to the realization
that children are people too. Did Dr. Seuss not already tell us this in Horton
Hears a Who? A person’s a person no matter how small. Obviously a child is
different than an adult. They sit in a car seat in the back for their safety
because they are smaller. They go to school and not work because their minds
are still developing. They don’t drive cars or own real estate because a full
grown person is not equal to an immature person, but if anything this should
make us be more considerate of these fragile people rather than to overlook
their needs because they are merely children.
I came across an article the
other day that posed the idea that everything the Bible has to say about loving
your neighbor would therefor also apply to your family. She even uses the same
Dr. Seuss quote I do on the subject. I believe Jen Wilken really hits the nail
on the head when she says
“If children are people, then our own children are our very
closest neighbors. No other neighbor lives closer or needs our self-sacrificing
love more.”
She then goes onto list out some excellent verses that can
be applied to common parenting situations and I would really encourage you to
go to the link and check it out. A couple of my favorites are:
When I want to correct my kids with
harshness:
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a
harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)



When I want to lecture them:
Know this, my beloved brothers: let
every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of
man does not produce the righteousness of God. (James 1:19-20)



When I want to make them make me look awesome:
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philipians 2:3-4)

Or there is always the golden
rule of course (Matthew 7:12)! It’s so simple, and yet so profound. The Bible talks a lot about how we should treat other people. Children are people. They are needy, vulnerable, young people and they are a gift from
the Lord. 

By |2015-05-18T04:47:09+00:00October 19, 2014|Parenting Tips, Uncategorized|1 Comment
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The Magic Kitchen Timer

I don’t know if you’ve heard of fly lady. It’s a program to help messy people like me try and clean up their act. I implement some their strategies every once in a while if I get motivated, but the one thing that has stuck with me over the years, and I will
probably use it forever, is my timer! The reason you use a timer for cleaning is
because naturally messy people need to break projects down into sizable bits.
One of Fly Lady’s famous sayings is “I can do anything for 15 minutes” and so
when I feel overwhelmed by the house I will set my timer on one room for 15
minutes. Or sometimes I do the 3 minute hot spot which is where you organize and tidy up a high
clutter zone for 3 minutes flat. I know this series isn’t about cleaning, but
if the timer can help someone who is a prone to distraction imagine how it can
help children!
When I first checked out my daughters private school I was
amazed at how they were able to corral the toddlers and keep such order in the
midst of a fun and loving learning environment. I remember watching them
transition from one activity to another, and I distinctly recall when snack time was over. As I watched the teacher collect their cups and napkins to prepare for the next thing I was shocked! They weren’t done yet. Wait a minute, Suzie still had a couple goldfish left! I thought to myself, but surprisingly the children moved along
smoothly and Suzie did not starve to death (of course Suzie is not her name,
and they may not have even been goldfish). It was eye opening to watch. For the record, you won’t find me using a completely militant schedule and routine at home because that’s just not how I roll.  However I did learn how the structure and routine really does benefit children and all the parenting books I’ve read seem to confirm that.
So I do use a timer for many things at home, whether it’s 10
minutes to do each chore, or 5 minutes until 
it’s time for bed, or 5 minutes left of snack time. My favorite is the crazy mom I turn into when I use a timer at the park. As soon as we arrive I set the timer for one hour (or
whatever the limit is) and when the timer goes off I approach each child with a
blarring phone that does a trumpet sound when time is up. I show them PROOF that
time is up. They hear it. They see it. They don’t always come a runnin’,
but I guarantee you it has made a difference. Transitions are so much smoother with my timer. I love it! I have gone
through several just from wear and tear I guess, and I freak out  when that happens. I find myself in panic mode until it is
replaced. Timer was one of the first words of my two youngest children. I am
not kidding about this you guys!
 Anyway, I am just a
mom (ha), let’s hear what the expert Dr. Phelan clinical psychologist and author of 1-2-3 Magic has to say
about it. 
“The people who manufacture timers think they’re for baking cakes.
They’re not- timers are for raisng kids! Kitchen timers can be a great help for
just about any routine, whether it’s picking up, feeding the fish,
getting up in the morning, taking the garbage out, or going to bed. Kids, especially the younger ones, have a narual tendency to want to beat a ticking mechanicl
device. The problem then becomes a case of man against machine (rather than
child against parent).”
“Kitchen timers are also effective because they are not
testable. Machines cannot be emotionally manipulated.”
I never really looked at it that way. I just knew it helped
me a lot! I mentioned using my phone and a kitchen timer, but you could use your microwave, an alarm clock, or whatever. I have never tried the hour glass timer, but I bet the kids would have fun watching that one. It really doesn’t matter what you use and most options are very inexpensive. Now then, how about we go set a timer and watch the magic happen. Good luck!


Tjis is day 17 or a 31 day series. For more Teachable Parenting click HERE.

By |2015-05-18T04:47:42+00:00October 18, 2014|Family, Parenting Tips, Uncategorized|1 Comment
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Enforceable Statements

I will say it over, and over again, but teachable parenting realizes that
you don’t control others. I learned early on in motherhood that there were a
lot of things I couldn’t force my child to do like eat, use the restroom,
sleep, say sorry. Although I had some success forcing the sorry thing when we started to learn to sign language because I can’t force words out of my childs mouth, but I have a better chance
of rubbing their fist across their chest to form the word “sorry”. All joking aside, the Love and Logic method teaches you to stay away from commands that can backfire and try enforceable
goals instead. Something that’s enforceable means that you CAN force it. Enforceable statements are words that you can get behind and gain credibility in. I know that sounds vague, so I’ll break it down using some examples of what is and is not an enforceable statement.

Threats and manipulation imply that we control our children, and leave a lot of potential for power struggles. Here are some examples. 
1. “The fighting in the back seat had better stop! Cut it out right now! I mean business. STOP!” 
3. “Hurry up. We are going to be late. I told you you needed to get your backpack 10 minutes ago, now get it done! I’m serious.” 
4. “You have to at least try two bites of brussels sprouts. You need to eat your chicken too. Please just try it. Mommy worked hard on this meal and you are being very disrespectful.” 
These are NOT bad by the way. I am just suggesting an alternative that could work if you feel like you are on a hamster wheel getting nowhere with your instructions. 
 The enforceable statements go back to what I wrote a few days ago about staying calm in the heat of the moment. With a strong willed child when you say do this, do that, you get a “You can’t make me!” attitude in response. They are exerting their independence and they are right, you can’t make them. So when you act as though you can, you loose credibility. What the child needs to learn however is that there are consequences for their choices and a far less heated approach to this valuable lesson is to focus on what you as the parent are in control of. Remember “I will listen when your voice sounds like mine“? That is the perfect example of an enforceable statement. Instead of “Stop whining. I mean it stop whining. We don’t allow whining in this car” Just take the lead and let the buck stop with you. I will listen when… You are telling them what you are going to do instead of telling them what to do. Again, there is nothing wrong with telling your children what to do. You are in charge, just like the owner of a restaurant is in charge, or a teacher, or the president etc. However, this is one way to stay in control during a power struggle and as Love and Logic puts it “turn your words into gold.” 
So how would the above scenarios play out with enforceable statements? These are some of the examples I’ve adapted from Love and Logic 
1.  “I
charge a dollar a minute to listen to fighting in the car. Will you be
paying me with chores, cash, or some of your toys?”
2. “I can take you to school when your backpack is
on. The school serves breakfast until 8:50.” *My son’s school does serve breakfast and he loves it, but you could say the bell rings, or the car leaves at ______ time

3.  “Dinner is served until 6:00. That’s ten minutes from now. See the clock? When the big hand reaches the top that means dinner is
over.” 

All of these of course have to be followed through with or your words aren’t going to carry much weight. For mothers of preschoolers they might not get it just yet, but they’ll learn. This is me escorting my 2 year old to the car because he would rather play chicken in the parking lot than follow instructions. That’s how it goes sometimes a lot of the time with that age. Hang in there. 

 Enforceable statements are building blocks you can use to support the previous strategies we’ve gone over such as keeping calm and keeping things short and simple. It’s as easy as telling your little one what YOU are going to do and do it. Good luck!

This is day 16 of a 31 day series for the rest of Teachable Parenting click HERE. 

By |2015-05-18T04:49:20+00:00October 16, 2014|Parenting Tips, Uncategorized|6 Comments
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Keep it Short and Simple

This week I have shared some practical tips for Teachable Parenting including; Logical Consequences, How to Respond to Whining, and Giving Choices. Today’s tip is to avoid lectures and keep things short and simple. All of the three books I have previously sited will give this same advice, especially with very
young children, LESS IS MORE! Sometimes it’s a loving motives that make you want to explain
every detail of why the child is in trouble or can’t do something, but just
remember the Charlie Brown teacher “waaah, waaaah, waaaah, waaah wah” and try to keep
your child from tuning you out. Love and Logic has tons of one liner phrases to
help keep things simple. A simple phrase used both repeatedly and
consistently along with actions is more meaningful. It becomes a conditioned response. A couple examples from Love and Logic are “Uh-Oh” and “Bummer”.
So you would say “uh oh, we
don’t throw our food, looks like your done eating.” And take the plate away.
Or “ I said not to hit
your sister. Bummer. I guess that means you need to leave the living room area since
you aren’t playing nice”
Honestly, I am not very good
at this method, but it’s something to consider. It also gives you a chance to take a breath and think before you react. Danny silk describes it as “One liner phrases that are there for your
sanity. They are a way for you to kick your brain into neutral while the other
person is trying to drive you into the Crazy Ditch”.
One final tip from Wild
Things. “Be concise. The more words a teacher or parent uses, the greater the
odds that a boy will tune you out. Try to keep your verbal instructions to no
more than a minute. And be sure not to layer instructions one after another.”
 As
a girl, I can attest to this being true for both genders in some cases, especially
depending on the age.

Those are just some ideas. It doesn’t come naturally, at least not for me. But sometimes I
have to save my vent sessions for my mom, husband, or Jesus and spare my child so
that they can process rather than tune me out.

This is day 15 of a 31 Day Series. For more Teachable Parenting click HERE.

By |2015-05-18T05:01:51+00:00October 15, 2014|Babies & Toddlers, Parenting Tips, Uncategorized|7 Comments
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CHOICES

So once we know that we don’t control others and that anger short circuits learning how the heck do we get our family out the door in the morning? How
do we leave the park when the fun is over, or get our children to do their
homework, or go to bed at night? I mean, I am a fan of bribery when I’m
desperate, but surely there is a better way.
That is where choices come in. One way to raise confident independent children is
by offering them lots and lots of choices. When we try to bully our children into doing things they might learn obedience, but it can also lead to a feeling of powerlessness and frustration. However, when we share the control, even (and
especially) in small and insignificant things, their wheels start spinning and
you give them a priceless gift. It’s the gift of thinking. The way you share this control and empower them is through choices. 
The Love and Logic rules about choices is that they can’t be
dangerous or create problems for others, and Dr. Fay says if the child does not
choose in 10 seconds you choose for them. 
Here is how it works. All day long, for any situation that you feel
works for you, you ask your child if they want “this or that”. It only works
when you are okay with either option. Every time you offer them two of the
right choices you are teaching them to have some control
of their actions. They are learning to make good choices in an environment that is safe and when the price tag is low!
Sometimes they don’t get a choice. It’s perfectly fine to
explain that you have given them lots of opportunities to choose, but now it is
your turn to decide. There are also going to be plenty of times where any child
with a mouth will choose a third option (which was not given). In this case you
stick to your guns and decide on the appropriate consequence. As Danny Silk
says in Loving Our Kids On Purpose, 
“This is the real world, and it really works
like this. We are all making choices in every situation, and those choices are
bringing certain consequences into our lives. When we show our children what the
real world is like, we equip them to be aware of the fact that they are making
choices all the time and we enable them to take responsilbiltiy for them.” 
 The example he gives is let’s say the dad
offers a choice for the child to clean up his room or pay dad to clean it for him. The son chooses neither and 
leaves. The dad happily cleans the room and BONUS- it gets done the way
he wants it. Then later he tells the son he owes him $50. Of course the son
either has no means to pay or refuses to pay. So that dad calmly enforms him
that he can easily get $50 for the Xbox and then he follows through with selling it. It is STRONGLY recommend that you never ever suggest a consequence or choice that you are not
willing to enforce. For example, he says you better not just hide that Xbox for 6 months and bring it back out. That defeats the whole lesson and the lesson
is more valuable than an Xbox!
I personally have been doing this method of choices for three years now
and it has been transformative! In the morning let’s say my daughter is not
really feeling like getting ready I will just whip out the choices to get her to wake up and put her thinking cap on. Do you want boots or sneakers? Pick one. Do you want a waffle or cereal? Do you want one pony tail or two? This method  is so
much smoother than just barking orders and getting into fights. We still hit
walls,  esepecially if lets say she wants
to wear a swimsuit to school or eat a candy bar for breakfast, but it alleviates some of the battles, I can promise you that. The more you practice it the
more natural it will come and you’ll find yourself  giving choices with ease when it’s the heat
of the moment.
When I read Love and Logic in 2012 I wrote this example
out that I was using at the time. I guess I was anticipating a blog post. Looks like it only took 2 years for me to get around to it! Anyway It’s neat to look back over it because our bed
time routine is completely different now, but it’s actually so much better than
it was back then. So that’s encouraging for me to see how far we’ve come!
At bedtime
Instead of starting the process by announcing “The movie is done it’s time for bed” followed by
protests and melt downs. It might go something like this
Do you
want to wear your Mario Pajamas, or snowmen? 
Okay,
well who is going to turn the tv off tonight? Me or you?
Now what
are we going to do brush teeth or go potty? 
Do you
want to brush your teeth or do you want me to do it for you? 
(whiney
voice)
I am
sorry I don’t understand. 
(whiney
voice) 
I can’t
understand the whiney voice I can when it’s a big boy voice
(whiney
voice)
I will
listen to you when your voice sounds like mine. 
Z: I don’t
want to brush my teeth mom. 
You can
brush your teeth or I can brush them for you, but if I brush them I get to pick
the book we read tonight.
Then he
brushes his teeth and picks a book
Then we
say a prayer 
Then he
usually wants to keep the book with him and I let him, but if it distracts him
from sleeping I take it away and he knows that. One night I took the book and
he had a huge breakdown throwing himself on the floor and the whole shebang. So I said, OH
DEAR I guess we aren’t going to be able to pick that book again. I then
followed through with this consequence when he wanted that book later. 
That was when my son was 5 and now he is 7. Like I said, I
haven’t even looked at these notes since then and I am just amazed. That’s my personal little testimony I guess.
For the record when your children are very young there
isn’t a whole of logical thought process developed in their little minds, so
sometimes you do have to take the bull by the cute little horns, and I mean
that in a loving way. If you’re a mother I am sure you have had to force your
baby into a car seat, or take away dangerous objects without giving them a
choice, or my favorite break up a fight by dragging the offending toddler off of
the victim. I’ll be sharing a separate blog post on my opinions on parenting children
under 5, but it’s not too early to start implementing some of these teachable
parenting tactics. Whenever you feel like they are ready for some simple
options then go for it. I think you will be amazed at what you see! I know I
have. 
This is day 14 of a 31 day series. For the rest of Teachable Parenting click HERE.
By |2015-05-18T05:02:03+00:00October 14, 2014|Parenting Tips, Uncategorized|5 Comments
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Logical Consequences

It’s day 12 of the 31 days of Teachable Parenting challenge and I’ve given a lot of Bible verses and shared a lot about matters of the heart. That is the core of Teachable Parenting. It isn’t a formula that you memorize. It’s a lifestyle. However, I know everyone (myself included) wants examples of what that looks like and direction on how to handle specific scenarios. This week I am going to be giving a lot more tips on how to be a teachable parent, including giving choices, using enforceable statements, limiting your words, and setting a timer. Today’s tip is to use logical consequences.

My caption when I posted this youtube video over a year ago was “I told her she was being too rough… She had it coming.” For the record she was totally fine, but what she got was an impromptu lesson in logical consequences. She kept pushing to hard and eventually the baby “pushed back”. 

Teachable Parenting wants children to be able to learn from their mistakes which is why this method relies heavily on logical consequences. That means having a response to behavior that either happens on it’s own, like refusing to wear a jacket and then being cold, or a disciplinary action that corresponds with the offense. For example if the child doesn’t clean up their toys they loose the toys until they can earn them back. 

In Loving Our Kids On Purpose, Danny Silk talks about how using one form of discipline as a “one
size fits all” consequence is like using a hammer to build a house, which would
be impossible. You are going to need lots of tools! Logical consequences are forms of discipline customized to fit the teachable offense. The idea of customizing a
“punishmenent to fit the crime” is often scary for some because it implements
creativity and some of us don’t feel like we are creative people, but you’ll get the hang of it. The more you do it the more you will see that you can implement logical
consequences and it relieves a lot of the stress that we feel through
parenting. Believe me!
Here are five examples of logical consequences.
1. The child colored on the wall- the child cleans up the wall and
gives the crayons to mommy and daddy until they feel like you they are ready to use
them responsibly.
2. The child is being destructive and breaks a siblings toy- The parent take the offenders favorite toy as payment, or they have to do work to earn enough for a replacement.
4. The child refuses to eat dinner.- They are not allowed to have
dessert or snack.
5. The child is fighting and being disruptive.- They should go to
another room until they are ready to play nicely with others.
Examples of the opposite would be either 5 spankings, 5 time-outs,
or always loosing TV priviledge for every single offense. 
Obviously there are times that you may not be able to use logical
consequences like on issues that are dangerous or if it creates a problem for
others. Seat belts is one that I am still working on. My dad used to slam on
his breaks and let us all fall onto the floor of our old VW van. Now, whether
he was just alleviating his boredom on long road trips or trying to teach us a
lesson in safety I’m not sure. The point is I don’t want my children to learn the hard
way on this one because I value their lives, but as far as how to enforce it,
well, it feels like a daily battle that I am still working on. 
However, one more example that is very personal to me and I am being
vulnerable here, but my 7 year old got his clip moved all the way down to red a couple weeks ago at school. If
you don’t know the clip system your clip starts on green, then yellow if you need a
warning, orange means you are in hot water and the teacher gets to choose the
disciplinary action. RED IS BAD! Red means you really blew it and the parents
will be notified. You can imagine how horrified I was to hear this news, first
from my son, then from his teacher. He hit someone in the back on the
playground and swung his jacket around and caught another kid in the eye. No
one was seriously injured and it was probably just him being a boy. However, I
have always said I would side with the teacher and collobarte with them instead
of making excuses for my child. So my son had to write a letter of apology
(which of course for him included an illustration of the offense) and give it
to the boys who were hurt. He had to ask forgiveness to me and his teachers.
Then he had to use his strength and energy for good instead of bad, to help and
not harm. In this case that called for unlimited chores for the rest of the
week. He had no time for electronics. Just chores, homework, dinner, bath, and
play time at the park with the family, but at home it was all business.
Did it work? Will he ever hit again? Will he be a model citizen and
grow up to prove that he had the best mom in the world? I don’t know. In the
end he is the one who controls himself and makes decisions. My job is to pray
for him and with him, and guide/instruct to the best of my abilities. I will say that it’s been two weeks since then and he hasn’t even had his clip moved to orange once! I have been in touch with his teacher and I am so relieved that it looks like he did in fact learn a lesson in this season.
So that is the basics of using logical consequences, also known as natural or related consequence. 
Do you have a story like this from your childhood or have you found a natural/related consequence that you use with your children? Please share. I am always looking for creative
ways to teach invaluable lessons!


This is Day 12 of a 31 day series. For the rest of Teachable Parenting click HERE.

By |2015-05-18T05:02:44+00:00October 12, 2014|Parenting Tips, Uncategorized|1 Comment
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What To Do When They Really Push Your Buttons

I know the Keep Calm memes got old a while ago, but it really does apply here! 

We’ve discussed loving responses for mistakes and emotional outbursts. We also talked about how empathy is so much more effective than anger when disciplining a child. Today I am going to touch on how and why you should keep calm when your children are really pushing your buttons.

My children love to push buttons! I mean that in all kinds of ways. They could have a knock-down drag-out fight about who gets to hit the up or down when we get to an elevator. It never fails I find  the hazard lights on in my car after they have a chance to jump in the front seat (how could they resist? It is a big red button). Beyond that they know what makes me tick and they know how to push my buttons on an emotional level. Why is that? Well, when a child knows how to push your buttons they watch you loose control and it makes them feel like they have control. Disrespect is usually a big weapon in their arsenal. When they push that button the power is in their court. What do you do now?
One of the number one strategies that I
have taken from reading Love and Logic and Loving Our Kids on Purpose is
this;
I have to show my kids that handling them is a breeze. I can
take anything they throw at me without breaking a sweat. I can do this by replacing anger and frustration with
assertive yet kind actions.
Although it’s not always that simple, it certainly is an
inspirational model of power  that omits
the usage of fear, threats, and intimidation as the motivating factor!
There will be power struggles and what I’ve learned through
this Teachable Parenting method is that the way to avoid the struggle is to
suggest that you are not intimidated by the child’s tantrum or defiance.  You don’t have to puff out your chest, shake your finger, and yell, (or growl, I’ve tried growling). You just have to be an example of
steadfast self control, and then follow through with the appropriate consequence. So on one hand you have parenting that demands control by proving that you are superior and can overpower your children. On the other hand you have Teachable Parenting which gains control by exhibiting self control in the midst of your children.  So it is great that I am writing this because I can have hundreds of people hold me accountable for the countless times I do not practice what I preach. 
Since reading these books I often hear a voice in my head say “show them that handling them is a breeze” because I want to be a source of strength that they can turn to even when they are at their worst. And I want  them to know that no matter what they do, even
if they break my heart, I’m still their mom and I will always love them. So in those moments of disrespect the best thing you can do is break that cycle and instead of taking the bait try turning the gears of honor in it’s place. As Danny Silk  says in
Loving Our Kids on Purpose
“The ability to manage your children and yourself toward the
goals that you have in being a parent rests in the ability to tell yourself what to do and do it no
matter what they’ve done or are doing. Can you manage you no matter what your kids are doing? Just as God is able to say
to us, we want to be able to say to our kids, “I will be a loving and
respectful parent no matter what you do.”
The thing about the New Covenant model is that it has to be true for us.
The model of Christ in our lives has to be real and it has to sink in. Do you
believe it? Do you believe that God is a loving God that is there for you no
matter what? I keep referencing 2 timothy 1:7. Do you believe that the spirit of fear isn’t in
you, but one of power, love, and a sound mind. Do you believe that Jesus paid the price and he is ready
to handle anything that you throw at him  (1 John 2:2 ). Or That nothing can separate you
from him (Romans 8:37-39)  and He wants
you to draw near to him even, in your darkest time (Hebrew 10:19)? Because
when you really begin to know God and trust him in every area he changes you from the inside out. I want my children to know these Biblical truths.

Just remember, God is not intimidated by you or your disrespectful child. He has
equipped you as a parent and you can do this! 


This is day 11 of a 31 day series. For the rest of Teachable Parenting click HERE

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By |2015-05-18T05:02:14+00:00October 11, 2014|Parenting Tips, Uncategorized|1 Comment
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