SJ had an audiologist appointment a week ago and got more volume added to her C.I. although it is still not up all the way. This first month of hearing has been an emotional roller coaster for sure. In this past year of learning that SJ is deaf I have been building a wall. Every disappointment, every failed attempt at hearing added another layer to my wall. I have confessed to crying when she had her cochlear implant turned on because she didn’t react in the way I had hoped. To quote my blog post from a month ago I said “I want to know that she hears and I am hoping it will not take extensive detective work to be able to recognize it.” Unfortunately it hasn’t been quite that simple. SJ still doesn’t seem to respond to much sound at all. However, in the past month the Lord has been working on tearing down my walls of skepticism. The first time she turned when I said her name I had to wrestle with my unbelief. The voice in my head said it was a coincidence; we’ve seen it a million times, it LOOKS like she is hearing, but really she is feeling vibrations. Time after time I would fight this voice. Fortunately there was another voice, the voice of Holy Spirit living in me that comforted me and gave me permission to rejoice. I felt like the Lord was leading me to embrace EVERY moment of victory. When I THINK she heard something and want to dismiss it I turn that doubt into a victory and I embrace it. It’s been a struggle, but since the moment I decided to stand up against the doubt I’ve seen one victory after another. For example today SJ was sitting in front of the TV bobbing her head to some music doing a little dance in her chair so I looked at the TV to see where this joy was coming from. SJ has always loved to dance, but it’s all about the motions. She has always been copying dance moves rather than ever hearing any music. I expected to see some happy dancing people on the TV, but instead I saw this commercial and I almost cried. 
You may wonder what the big deal is because it’s such a simple commercial. So simple in fact that there is no visual stimulation whatsoever. SJ was actually HEARING the music and bouncing to the beat! I screamed for J to come and see. It’s the little things like this that keep me going. It might still take some detective work to know that she is hearing, especially when loud trucks or barking don’t even make her flinch, but I am very grateful for each little milestone. 
Two years ago (the year SJ was born) Veggie Tales came out with the movie “It’s a Meaningful Life” There is a song in there that Larry the Cucumber’s character sings to their adopted daughter Emma. This became a song that I always sang to SJ. I even wrote it down in her baby book. The kids love this Holiday movie and when we watched it over and over this time last year I had no idea how much that song would eventually mean to me. Here are some of the lyrics 
Precious Girl,
In our lives,
making every moment bright.
Your Mom and Daddy love you.
You fill us with delight.
Precious Girl,
so special too.
God has got a plan for you.
We can see it clearly,
as you shine His light.
Do you realize when you shine 
everyone sees you?
The lives you touch,
you’re worth so much,
That’s just how God made you.
Precious Girl,
Can you see?
You’re part of our family.
This one thing I promise:
God’s plan for you is true.
You are worth so much, and 
It’s just by being you.
Oh goodness, I am a blubbery mess just from typing out the words. I am sure there are many ups and downs ahead when it comes to all this, but that song says it all. I hope someday as she HEARS this song and learns the words she will really hear the message too.