Out of all of 31 posts for this month this will be the hardest for me to write. This one is personal.
It’s not that I am ashamed of my journey, but my biggest fear is that I will cause someone else to be ashamed of theirs, and I don’t want that at all! I also hesitate to talk about weight because that’s not the point. I have come a long way from being someone who fought a hard battle with insecurity (read This is Me) and I want more than anything to be a positive example to my daughters.
For me that means loving the skin I am in. I almost never weigh myself because I used to obsess over the number on the scale and I’ve been set free. If you are in that situation where you feel shame about your body or you feel like a failure when it comes to being healthy, I have been there and I would love to encourage you. I welcome any messages at messymom at gmail.com. Don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need prayer or just want someone to confide in.
Now for a little of my back story.
She eats like a bird. That’s what they would say when I was a little girl or even as a teenager still ordering from the kids menu. Food was food back then. I ate when I was hungry. I loved a variety of foods and thought of them sparingly. My mom would buy little snacks for me to hide in my room because being the only girl in my family with two older brothers they would devour in minutes what took me weeks to nibble my way through. When it came to food, I paced myself for no reason other than I was a natural grazer.
Then I became an adult and got married and felt physical and emotional stress on levels that I had never known before. My husband J and I went through marital struggles that absolutely wrecked me. I was dealing with feelings of betrayal and jealously so I started eating my way through the confusion. I ate alone and I ate in secret.
I remember one time we got a box of girl scout cookies from a girl in the neighborhood and I ate them all in one day, but I didn’t want J to know. So I had to go back and buy another box and eat a couple more to give the illusion that it was the same box. After work I would often buy a large milk shake from Braum’s (shout out to Texas) and watch endless hours of TV by myself drinking my milk shake sinking deeper into depression. I started gaining weight and feeling really bad about it. So I would go on some crash diet and then quit and feel worse. Then I would binge one more time in preparation for the strict regimen I was going to start up.
It was one of the darkest seasons of my life. The smaller I felt inside the larger I got on the outside. Again, I don’t want this to be about weight because I was never that big. I just wasn’t healthy. I happen to be thin when I am taking care of myself and at that point I was being self destructive.
I hate using this cliche “Before” photo because it’s the epitome of unflattering, but the only other photos I have of that season in my life (40 pounds over my typical weight) are on discs and my new computer doesn’t have a disc drive. Anyway…
In 2005 I went through a christian counseling program and worked through everything that was tormenting me. Praise God for the serious healing and deep spiritual cleansing that took place in my heart about my marriage and my hatred towards men in general (talk about unhealthy!). Around that same time I started reading the Maker’s Diet and working part time on a farm. I milked goats and fed animals. I got to have some milk, cheese, and eggs as a perk. My life wasn’t perfect, but I had found forgiveness. I also really enjoyed working on the farm and eating whole foods. That is when the pounds began to come off. I know that sounds like such a hippy dippy solution, but it worked for me. Two years later I became a mom.
Everybody’s body is different. I can’t stress that enough. Sometimes that sugar dragon inside of me tries to take control. Still, I never want to go back to yo yo dieting ever again so I try not to be too strict on myself while also keeping the focus on clean eating. I enjoy eating all kinds of food, some healthy others not so much. My budget is too small to try to eat all organic and get specialty flours and grass fed beef, but ultimately our goal is to live healthy lifestyles.
So that’s my story in a nutshell. I am a mess, but God’s grace is ALWAYS sufficient.
Gods grace is indeed always sufficient. I’ve always struggled with my weight and eating too. I’m in a good place now!
Beautiful Natalie – we are all a mess! Thank you for sharing the hard words. Makes me love you all the more!
Thanks for sharing your story. I haven’t ever struggled with weight, but I do have struggles in other areas. I am actually on a path toward counseling right now and maybe in a few years I will write about it. It is nice to hear that other people have found freedom through Christian counseling.
Such a great story Natalie because it resonates with so many women, myself included! We do need to learn to love the body were in, because it’s the body God has given us. I think to focus on being healthy leads to a happier person. I also avoid weighing myself because I’ve become too focused on the number. If I’m eating healthy and treating my body would love and respect, I feel like that’s what God would want me to do !