Like most parents I fear that I fall short with my children. I worry that I don’t have what it takes as a mom and that I could possibly ruin my one shot at this child rearing thing. It’s not a constant thought, but it’s this lingering insecurity. I used to love to listen to a pastor named Miles Welch, who had a podcast for college students. I was way too married and grown up for the topics be applicable to me, but I tuned in anyway and I am glad I did. One day I was sweeping the kitchen while casually listening to the Q&A session on the podcast* when there was a question from a young man asking how he could forgive his dad who was responsible for breaking up the family with a divorce. What Miles had to say in response pretty much jumped out of iTunes and punched me in the gut (in a good way).
He said
“You know, that is a hard question. At some point I was really disgruntled by my parents. I had to learn to accept them for who they were – limited and faulted. You can’t put too much
hope in humanity, we are flawed, fallen people. Now there’s hope in Christ, but we shouldn’t have an idealistic view of humanity. We place too much hope in what a person can be. I used to be really angry that my parents left a mark on my soul. Now that I am a parent I know that every parent leaves a mark on a soul. I am going to for my daughter and I don’t know how to stop it. I feel like I can protect my child from Hollywood. I can protect my child from crazy teachers, and soccer coaches. I can protect my child from anybody but me, because I will leave a mark, and I am a broken person, and as hard as I try I will fail her and she will have to learn to forgive me. She was wired to have a perfect father, and she has me instead.”
I almost dropped my broom in the kitchen when I heard that and it’s stuck with me for all these years. My children are wired for a perfect father and I can’t meet that need and I am not supposed to be expected to. It was in that moment that the weight of the world fell off of my shoulders and Christ set me free from that guilt and insecurity. I was
wanting to be God to my children. Now don’t get me wrong I want to show Christ to them every moment that I breathe 24/7, but the fact of the matter is I mess up time and time again. The further along I go on this parenting journey I can see how it is actually helpful for my kids to see my weakness, to see me grappling with reality. That way some day they can see that even though I often struggled as a mother and wife, God’s grace was/is sufficient for me. Maybe they will learn that God is who they need to ultimately fulfill them not a parent, friend, or spouse. I pray that it teaches them about forgiveness and that they will truly embrace the grace of God that is there for them as well.
wanting to be God to my children. Now don’t get me wrong I want to show Christ to them every moment that I breathe 24/7, but the fact of the matter is I mess up time and time again. The further along I go on this parenting journey I can see how it is actually helpful for my kids to see my weakness, to see me grappling with reality. That way some day they can see that even though I often struggled as a mother and wife, God’s grace was/is sufficient for me. Maybe they will learn that God is who they need to ultimately fulfill them not a parent, friend, or spouse. I pray that it teaches them about forgiveness and that they will truly embrace the grace of God that is there for them as well.
This is post was originally published October 6th, 2014 as part of a 31 Day Series.
The quote was taken from * Miles Welch, 12 Stone podcast- Marriage and Divorce episode #76 June 28, 2011
Wow, good word. Impacting. I'm 55 with grown kids but it helped me too.N.L.W.
Thank you for this. I needed to hear these words. I am 23. I am not a mom, but a daughter and I have been struggling with my issues with my mom, the same issues that boy had been struggling with his father. I am resentful towards my mom for mistakes she made in her life, mistakes that caused emotional harm to my brother and me. Even after 10 years, I am having a hard time forgiving her. Some days I feel like I will never be able to get over it, which will cause me even more pain in my life.
But those words were very insightful. We are not perfect and our parents will always leave a mark on us. We must accept them for who they are, even their shortcomings.
Wow! I needed to hear that today! I have two beautiful young adult daughters, and one of them is really struggling right now and I probably spend too much time beating myself up of my faults as a parent. I need to ask for forgiveness for my mistakes and remind her that her heavenly Father is the only perfect parent (certainly not her earthly mother 😉 ).
That radio quote…wow. Just posted that (with link) on facebook. Worth sharing.
I think there is not one single mother out there who does not need to read this! It would be fabulous if we all could be perfect parents, but we weren't/aren't/won't be. And maybe, if we were, we wouldn't be teaching our kids how to accept themselves either. Thank you for these beautiful and impactful thoughts!
“The further along I go on this parenting journey I can see how it is actually helpful for my kids to see my weakness, to see me grappling with reality. That way some day they can see that even though I often struggled as a mother and wife, God’s grace was/is sufficient for me. Maybe they will learn that God is who they need to ultimately fulfill them not a parent, friend, or spouse.” So wise and true, Natalie! I also love this from Angela Thomas: “The ‘right thing’ can be good, and then it can be oppressive and consuming. The ‘right thing’ can become more about keeping rules and performing for others. Doing the right thing can become a substitute for Christlikeness.” I truly don’t want to self-promote here at all, but if you’re up for it, here are some more words from my mama’s heart to you and my other fellow moms…blessings as always to you! http://guiltychocoholicmama.blogspot.com/2015/06/oh-mama-you-are-not-failure-and-that.html
Thanks so much. I have left links in comments before and I definitely appreciate your insight and encouragement. I am headed your way to read up right now! Thanks again.
This is so good and so well written. Thanks for the gentle reminder that my parents were not perfect and I won’t be either.
Wonderful reminder to all parents, and their children! Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful post! Your words, as always, really make me think!
I have definitely suffered from some mom guilt and/or felt like a complete failure at times. These are good words.
Amzing blog about the Parenting and really every parent should give the time to them. So they can follow there parents at every movement.
Thats great article.Its informative and useful information for us.Thanks for sharing this post.