My adolescent, teenage, and early adult years were very typical. I will say though that becoming a mom has brought a whole new light to this story and I have had to process it all over again from the perspective of a mother. My little brother was 3 when he was diagnosed and now that I have a 3 year old boy (whose name also happens to begin with Z) I just can’t even imagine what it would be like to go through what my parents did. I have also been able to talk with my mom as a friend and hear the story in more detail, including some of the medical aspects that I would have never been able to comprehend as a young girl. I can see how God’s hand was on my parents in that season and how he is the strength that has carried them through and allowed their story to be a testimony. It is nothing short of a miracle really. Then there are the what if’s. I believe that God has a purpose for everything and you can’t live in the past, but I would be lying if I said I never ever wondered what it would be like if things turned out differently. J and I have a friend who is like a brother to us and he is the same age that Zeb would be. They are not always this affectionate ha ha. This was during a very special time of prayer.I have mentioned him on this blog 1, 2, 3, at least 4 times. It blesses my heart to see the relationship between him and his older sister. I am guessing Zeb would probably be artistic and musical like the rest of my family and I am sure he would jamming with the guys if he were here, but let’s be honest whatever he is rocking out to in heaven is way better than what we’ve got going on. As far as what the future holds, I look forward to sharing Zeb’s legacy with my children someday when they are older. I have a memorial scrapbook with photos of my brother. There are also some little wooden trucks Zeb had painted that are displayed in Z’s room. Lastly, the kids have a copy of The Runaway Bunny, which is so special because not only did I read it to Zeb in his last days with us, but it was written in 1942 which was right around when our house was built, and when I bought this book at Kohl’s the net sales went to benefit the Children’s Miracle Network which is a foundation that had a part in Zeb’s life. I bought this book before the kids were born and I don’t think I have even read it to them yet. Maybe tonight that will change.

My little brother Zeb had bug bites, which is no big deal for an active toddler living out in the country. The problem was that they didn’t go away, so my mom decided it wouldn’t hurt to have it checked by a doctor. They did some blood work and on September 9, 1987 Zeb was diagnosed with Leukemia. I didn’t move onto first grade the next year and now I can understand why, but being held back was something that I would feel ashamed of throughout a good part of my childhood. The next 2 ½ years of my life were spent staying with friends, family, and various church members off and on because my parents were at the hospital so often throughout Zeb’s chemotherapy. I hated staying with other people, and I hated having blood drawn. The nurses at the hospital tried holding me, but I distinctly remember kicking screaming and eventually protesting to the point that they had to strap me down. But despite how I make it sound things weren’t so bad. I liked the hospital. We had lots of friends there. The Doctors and nurses were so nice and one of them loved to challenge me at Tetris on the rec room computer. To this day I can still take anyone at Tetris, it’s the only video game I am good at. We would also have therapy with a counselor at the hospital, but I didn’t know that’s what it was until later. I called her Linda the play lady and I just had a great time coloring and writing and spending time with my brothers.

Things were progressing decently until Zeb relapsed in October of 1990. We took one last vacation as a family to Indianapolis. We knew with Zeb preparing to have a bone marrow transplant we wouldn’t be able to do any traveling anytime soon. He also wouldn’t be able swim once he had a central line put in again. We absorbed every second of every moment together as a family and just enjoyed life, because we knew and still realize that life is precious.

To be continued…

1. Housing Allowance- Back in the day pastors got parsonages. These days we get our own house, but a portion of each paycheck is considered housing which is part of your salary, but is not a part of your gross income and is not legally taxable. This amount has to coincide with how much you actually spend on your house (apartment or furnishings). We do a lot of renovations on our house each year and so we keep record of that so we know how much to allot for our housing allowance.

2. Different Days Off- Most employees in the business world work Monday-Friday having Saturdays and Sundays to rest. However those weekend days are some of the busiest days for ministers so at our church the pastoral staff is given Mondays and Tuesdays off. I love this because we miss the rush when we go out to eat or have family time, but when our kids are in school it will be difficult to maneuver opposite schedules (any advice for those in this boat is welcome!)

3. Not Synonymous With Preacher– As most of you know my husband is the associate pastor and worship leader at our church. He does preach sometimes when our Pastor is away, but the term Pastor covers many roles besides preaching. Think of it like having a doctorate. When you think of Doctor it is typically a medical position, but you can academically be a Doctor in many different fields. It’s like that.

4. They don’t have to wear suits– This might be obvious to many of you, but some people really do think all pastors wear suits. I don’t want to start a huge controversy on here, but the truth is some do some don’t. At our church they don’t. My husband typically wears jeans and a plaid shirt for his Sunday uniform.

5. You don’t have to go to seminary– This is another super duper controversial statement. There was an episode of Friends where Joey was ordained online so that he could officiant Ross’s wedding. Being ordained is not always that simple though, some denominations have very specific criteria including being nominated, having a pastoral degree, and real life ministry experience.

6. They can officiate weddings, funerals, and baby dedications– Along with baptisms these are some of the ceremonial traditions that only a pastor can do (conventionally anyway).

7. They work at least 40 hours each week– I was at a friends house and her little boy asked where J was. I answered that he was working at the church. The boy said “Is he practicing his guitar”. I thought it was cute. His mom said her boys think that J is up at the church working on music all day. Wouldn’t that be nice? The truth is there is a long list of things included in the responsibility of a pastor like overseeing all of the ministries within the church, working on the publications including the bulletin, ads, or mail outs, counseling people in the church, managing the building. The list could go on and on and it will be different for every church. In our case it ends up meaning lots of over time.

8. They are not their own boss– A lot of people have the idea that the Pastor is the head of the church and runs the whole show. However in most churches there is a system of checks and balances just like the government. Our church is non denominational, but we do have a board of ministers outside of the church that we are accountable to and we have a group of elders that have biweekly meetings. These are the guys that determine our salary, benefits, and other major decisions.

9. They may or may not have a formal title– Reverend, Brother, Bishop, Pastor, or just plain Mr. are some of the titles you may see before a minister’s names. Once again this depends on the denomination. Some people do refer to my husband as Pastor J when they address him, but if you do call him this don’t be surprised if you get a chuckle in response.
10. They are real people– Pastors can be like celebrities in some ways. It’s like they are expected to perform on command in order to please an audience and then their lives and families are subjected to a level of criticism that no one should ever have to live up to. I don’t feel this way about our church, but I’ve certainly seen it happen. And I am not saying that spiritual leaders shouldn’t be held to a higher standard, or politicians for that matter (ahem, Weiner), but I am saying that Pastors are just people and unless anyone knows of any animals leading a congregation then that is a fact.

The other day I found this list of “You Might Be A Pastor’s Wife If…” I will put my responses in blue.

Every summer you counsel at teen camp for your vacation.- Nope.
You have shaken as many hands as a politician.- Maybe if I went to a bigger church.
People think your husband works only three hours a week.- I hope not!
You can teach Sunday School and nurse your baby at the same time.- We don’t have Sunday School at our church.
You can sincerely pray for someone’s dog!- I’ve prayed for a chicken, I am sure I could pray for dog.
You spend more time visiting in hospitals than doctors do.- No.
People consider you a walking phone book for church members.- That’s what the internet is for.
You sing in the choir, teach Sunday School, and host a missionary family all in the same day.- No, No, and No*
You’re expected to be a piano player, a “spiritual gift!”- I wish.

I don’t think of myself as a pastor’s wife because I really don’t fit the traditional role. And for those that don’t know me, my husband is on staff at our church and has been for about 5 years as the associate pastor and is also the worship leader. So I may not claim to be a “PW”, but my husband is technically a pastor and I am technically definitely his wife. So yeah, I am a pastor’s wife, but I still like to rock out (i.e. Eisley last night at the Granada Theater. Woo Hoo!) However, I do want to clarify that traditional can be a subjective word and compared to some pastor’s families we may be super traditional and that’s great. I am not trying to be non-churchy I am just trying to be myself and let other ladies be themselves. If you are a pastor’s wife that fits in the list above, maybe wears nice department store dresses, and does Beth Moore Bible studies I think that’s great, it’s just not necessarily me. Traditional, progressive, conservative or not, being in ministry does have a major impact on a person’s life.That’s why, as boring as it may be, I wanted to take a little time this week to share some behind the scene details of life as a pastor’s wife.

* We may not have a choir, or sunday school, but for the record we do support and love many wonderful missionaries. None of them have stayed at our house though.