Yesterday I mentioned that there were different stages to grieving and processing, and I can really only share what that has looked like for me and my specific situation. Of course it was difficult for a time. I missed my brother and I cried plenty which was always welcomed with love and compassion in our family. I remember coming unglued when I had a pet cat pass away not long after my little brother died. I had much stronger outward emotions about the cat, which looking back I think was more like the straw that broke the camels back. I had had enough and that was a way for me to vent all of the grief, anger, and questioning that I had been dealing with that year.

My adolescent, teenage, and early adult years were very typical. I will say though that becoming a mom has brought a whole new light to this story and I have had to process it all over again from the perspective of a mother. My little brother was 3 when he was diagnosed and now that I have a 3 year old boy (whose name also happens to begin with Z) I just can’t even imagine what it would be like to go through what my parents did. I have also been able to talk with my mom as a friend and hear the story in more detail, including some of the medical aspects that I would have never been able to comprehend as a young girl. I can see how God’s hand was on my parents in that season and how he is the strength that has carried them through and allowed their story to be a testimony. It is nothing short of a miracle really. Then there are the what if’s. I believe that God has a purpose for everything and you can’t live in the past, but I would be lying if I said I never ever wondered what it would be like if things turned out differently. J and I have a friend who is like a brother to us and he is the same age that Zeb would be. They are not always this affectionate ha ha. This was during a very special time of prayer.I have mentioned him on this blog 1, 2, 3, at least 4 times. It blesses my heart to see the relationship between him and his older sister. I am guessing Zeb would probably be artistic and musical like the rest of my family and I am sure he would jamming with the guys if he were here, but let’s be honest whatever he is rocking out to in heaven is way better than what we’ve got going on. As far as what the future holds, I look forward to sharing Zeb’s legacy with my children someday when they are older. I have a memorial scrapbook with photos of my brother. There are also some little wooden trucks Zeb had painted that are displayed in Z’s room. Lastly, the kids have a copy of The Runaway Bunny, which is so special because not only did I read it to Zeb in his last days with us, but it was written in 1942 which was right around when our house was built, and when I bought this book at Kohl’s the net sales went to benefit the Children’s Miracle Network which is a foundation that had a part in Zeb’s life. I bought this book before the kids were born and I don’t think I have even read it to them yet. Maybe tonight that will change.