You may notice I talk a lot about allowing things to happen because
that would be the opposite of controlling. Yesterday was about allowing our children to make mistakes. Today’s focus is allowing our children to feel. The controlling parent route is rigid and external. It’s using your dominance as the parent
to eliminate mistakes, eliminate screaming, crying, pouting etc. None of this is allowed.
that would be the opposite of controlling. Yesterday was about allowing our children to make mistakes. Today’s focus is allowing our children to feel. The controlling parent route is rigid and external. It’s using your dominance as the parent
to eliminate mistakes, eliminate screaming, crying, pouting etc. None of this is allowed.
The thing about Teachable Parenting is that having children who know how to shut up and butt out is not the ultimate goal. Our kids are real people, with real emotions, fears, and heartache. We have to teach and model for them a variety of real life feelings and how to handle them.
We are so distracted in this day and age that we as adults
want to numb our feelings and cover them up with television, computers, eating,
drinking, or whatever the drug of choice is. We do the same with our children at
times. We pacify them with phones and iPads or threaten them with
punishment depending on if their cries are an
inconvenience. Or sometimes it just plain makes us uncomfortable. We don’t want
our children to feel bad so we inadvertently teach them not to feel. Don’t get
me wrong , I bribe my children. I give into to their whaling more often
than I should, and sometimes the relentless screaming is flat out
inappropriate. So I don’t want to take this to an extreme, because there is a
time and a place to vent. I still feel like the topic of expressing emotions is worth consideration and evaluation.
want to numb our feelings and cover them up with television, computers, eating,
drinking, or whatever the drug of choice is. We do the same with our children at
times. We pacify them with phones and iPads or threaten them with
punishment depending on if their cries are an
inconvenience. Or sometimes it just plain makes us uncomfortable. We don’t want
our children to feel bad so we inadvertently teach them not to feel. Don’t get
me wrong , I bribe my children. I give into to their whaling more often
than I should, and sometimes the relentless screaming is flat out
inappropriate. So I don’t want to take this to an extreme, because there is a
time and a place to vent. I still feel like the topic of expressing emotions is worth consideration and evaluation.
In the book Wild Things it says:
“Boys need help in discriminating among their feelings. We can help by
teaching them to develop a rich emotional vocabulary. Beginning when he is very
young – but you can do this at any age – help your boy connect words to his
feelings.”
teaching them to develop a rich emotional vocabulary. Beginning when he is very
young – but you can do this at any age – help your boy connect words to his
feelings.”
“Boys who have a large vocabulary of “feeling words” are
better at expressing their emotions using language rather than behavioral
outbursts. As caregivers we need engaging ways to teach boys a vocabulary for
emotions and to help them identify feelings within themselves and on the faces
of others. We have to teach them empathy.”
better at expressing their emotions using language rather than behavioral
outbursts. As caregivers we need engaging ways to teach boys a vocabulary for
emotions and to help them identify feelings within themselves and on the faces
of others. We have to teach them empathy.”
Girls in general tend to connect with their feelings more easily than boys and are able to identify instead of suppress emotions. However, these tips are a great practice for either gender and can apply to both! For example let’s say the child is having a melt down over a lost helium balloon. Instead of saying
Oh really? Your upset now? What do you expect sweetie? Your balloon flew away
because you took it off your wrist! That’s what you get. I tried to tell you!
No more balloon. We are done.
because you took it off your wrist! That’s what you get. I tried to tell you!
No more balloon. We are done.
Or taking it the other direction
“SHHHHH! It’s okay. It’s
okay. You can have another balloon. No big deal. Settle down.”
okay. You can have another balloon. No big deal. Settle down.”
You can say
“Oh man, does that make you sad? Your tears make
me think you are so sad. Why do you think that happened? ”
me think you are so sad. Why do you think that happened? ”
Your child maybe too young or too old for this scenario. And
for the record, full disclosure here, you will most likely see me exhibiting
example A or B on a hot day at the carnival when a balloon goes flying off into
space. I am trying though! We know Jesus had feelings that were expressed in
the Bible and those feelings which we also have were created by God. The Bible
even tells us to be angry and sin not. So today’s assignment is to try and
allow some of those feelings to be expressed both for our children and for
ourselves.
for the record, full disclosure here, you will most likely see me exhibiting
example A or B on a hot day at the carnival when a balloon goes flying off into
space. I am trying though! We know Jesus had feelings that were expressed in
the Bible and those feelings which we also have were created by God. The Bible
even tells us to be angry and sin not. So today’s assignment is to try and
allow some of those feelings to be expressed both for our children and for
ourselves.
This is Day 8 of a 31 day series. To view the rest of Teachable Parenting click HERE.
Love this post!!! Thanks for sharing!!
This was a great post! I just recently wrote a series about Nonviolent Communication and one day's post was about sharing feelings and included a free printable of a bunch of feelings mini-posters. If you want to check it out (but it's fine if you don't), then the link is http://syncopatedmama.blogspot.com/2014/08/enjoy-improved-relationships-by-using_28.html
Great post! And Oh. So. True. We must teach our kiddos to be able to handle situations- not avoid and pacify them.
It's a struggle, because I have a 6 year old who cries about everything that he doesn't like. On the one hand, I don't want him to think it's not ok to cry…on the other hand, he cries loud and long and it's often when I've said no to something. I don't think it's always that he's trying to get his way–he's just a tender hearted child. But it leads to anger–in me, and in his brothers. And while I can accept a certain patience in me, expecting that same amount of patience from his brothers isn't fair (and isn't practical either, because bottling up anger isn't any better than bottling up tears, and it comes out as hitting and other things). On my better days I will give him a hug but if it goes on too long and too loud I will say "It's ok to cry, but sometimes you need to go to your room to cry if you have to cry loudly." I'm not sure of a better way to handle it. My bad days have worse repsonse. I do like the idea of teaching him words to say about his emotions. That could help.
Gale, I would say you are doing the right thing! One of the love and logic rules is "Feel free to do anything that doesn't cause a problem for anyone else". By you saying it's okay to cry, but you need to go to your room and you can come out whenever you are ready to have fun with the rest of us. He has to learn to respect his brother's needs and vice versa. As far as the bad days, those come with the territory. There is grace and teachable moments in all that as well, believe me I have lots of bad days.