The other day I found this photo of when I was pregnant with Ezie.
That’s the Ohio River behind us. I had to stop and think of how long we’ve been in Cincinnati. Ezie will be 8 this year, so that’s the answer. We left Texas in January of 2012. It’s truly remarkable how far we’ve come since this photo was taken. At that time we were unemployed, living with my parents, pregnant, and had just found out that our daughter was deaf. Despite the smile on my face, this was rock bottom. It has been an uphill battle since then to get back to a place of stability.
I describe welfare as a pit that you can fall into suddenly but climb out of very slowly and strategically. I will never forget going into a government assistance office and getting on Medicaid and food stamps. I remember the shame I would sometimes feel, especially if I bought something unnecessary (like gum). I always went to the same grocery store back then and there was a very nice cashier that would circle my remaining EBT balance at the bottom of my receipt. She was trying to be kind. She would even do it with a knowing sympathetic smile, but this was not something any other cashier would do. For me, it was a reminder in ink that we were in a desperate situation. So I just started avoiding her checkout lane when going to the store.
Then one day that changed. It was the Holiday season of 2015. J had finally graduated from college and landed a new job. We had just moved out of the tiny apartment into a little rental home and we no longer qualified for that level of benefits. I will never forget that moment I went to the grocery store and walked right up to that friendly cashier’s lane and I paid with our own money. It was such a silent triumph for me.
Gradually there were more and more moments like this. Granted, every time we no longer qualified for free lunches or SSI or whatever it was, it was a big adjustment. Often times these budget adjustments were painful and seemed impossible, but God ALWAYS made a way. Little by little, He brought us out of the miry clay.
“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” Psalm 40:2 NLT
J recently got a new job and as of this month, we are all six officially off of Medicaid and insured. Praise God.
I feel like I should mention that as much as I didn’t love the situation we were in during that season, these government programs were a blessing. I know so many reading this are in a position to need that support right now and there is no reason to be ashamed. God is with you and He has the perfect plan in place for all of us. That includes my family because we’ve come along way, but finances are still a major struggle that I am believing for complete and total freedom for.
His faithfulness has not run out on us. Just a couple of days ago I went to a parent panel at SJ’s former school for the deaf. I have been to these meetings before. It’s where parents of alumni students come and answer questions of parents whose children are about to transition into mainstream schooling. This was the first time I have ever gone to a meeting and been on the side where I was the one answering questions instead of asking them. For so long I wondered what my daughter’s voice would sound like beyond uttering vowel sounds. Would she ever talk? Would she ever be able to read? Will she have friends? Now I can stand on the other end, out of the pit and onto the rock. I can declare with confidence that she has overcome these enormous obstacles and is blowing us all away with her abilities and tremendous personality.
I feel like I share this story a lot on my blog. I’ve typed it out dozens of times. How long will I rehearse the same ol’ lines about how hard it was and how God miraculously brought us through with our faith and family intact! I asked myself this question and felt the Lord impressed on my heart to keep sharing unless He tells me not to. So that’s what I am going to do. I will declare the goodness of the Lord.
At church, we sing a song called “The Goodness of God” by Jenn Johnson.
The chorus says
“And all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God”
Sometimes these words feel untrue in terms of a whole lifetime when I think about painful things I’ve been through. I think about the tragedies of those around me singing these verses or those in other countries who don’t feel like His goodness is running after them. That’s the enemy planting those seeds though. Another part of the song sort of addresses this when it says,
“I love Your voice
You have led me through the fire
In the darkest night
You are close like no other”
So the lines of this song are not saying all of my life I have never known darkness or never walked through fire. What it is saying is that in the midst of that, God is sovereign and he is with us and for us. As I look back at the past 8 years I can say that in confidence. He is always faithful. He is always good.