I might get in trouble for this, but I’ve got some profound marriage advice for all the working moms and dads out there. Are you ready?
Stop hiring hot nannies.
I know I will probably get hate mail for sexy shaming, but hear me out. At least a couple times a year some celebrity, politician, real life friend or whatever gets in trouble for having an affair with their nanny. Really. It’s so soap operay, but it seems to happen a lot and I think I may have a remedy for this.
How about picking a nanny whose experience could potentially surpass your age. When you look at the most influential nannies of the past century they look very different from the nannies I see on the cover of Us Weekly.
Take the Nanny reality shows for example. I never heard any scandals about any of them sexting.
Or that movie from 2005 Nanny McPhee. See what I mean?
Mary Poppins was cute and all, but if your nanny dresses like this then I’m not as concerned.
How about Mrs. Doubtfire? Yeah, I know “she” was a dad crossdressing to see his children illegally, but she was a good nanny!
So what you really want to look for in a nanny is someone that has a British accent and has their blouse buttoned all the way to the top. Umbrella and magic powers are recommended, but not required. What you don’t want is someone that looks like they just finished up auditioning for the bachelor.
There are a lot of bad celebrity examples that I could use to support my hot nanny theory, but I don’t want to give more attention to these sad stories. However there is one celebrity nanny where thankfully the dad actually made the RIGHT choice. Way to go dad! Last month after Eva Amurri’s husband got a lewd text from the nanny he came home to find her “waiting for him” in his bedroom. He secretly hit record on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t be framed or something (smart choice). Then he told her she was being extremely unprofessional and fired her on the spot. I hope he is an example for all the men out there put in this position. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work out this way.
So I’ve got a list of interview questions that could help weed out some of these sultry home wrecking nannies.
Of course you can ask all of the usual stuff like “What experience do you have working with children?” or “Do you know CPR?”, but here are some additional questions with ideal answers you would hope to hear.
- Do you know how to twerk? You want your nanny to assume this is a cooking term.
- What did you do for spring break 2014? You are looking for something along the lines of “Well, I got to see my kids who had been away at college”
- Do you have a public Facebook account? If so, ask to see it.
- What kind of music do you listen to? Anything that replaces the letter S with a $ or Z is a red flag.
- Have you had a boob job? If it’s reconstructive surgery that’s totally fine.
- What about a tramp stamp? Hopefully she thinks this has to do with a Disney movie and mailing a letter.
- When I say the word party do you picture shot glasses or a Curious George cake? Obviously we are looking for the latter here and bonus points if she has the pinterest board to back it up.
- Do you plan to use CPR on my husband? This is a trick question. The answer is no.
- Do you have a snapchat account? If so say I am sorry, but this job is not for you.
Okay, okay, I’ll admit it. Even if you did find the perfect nanny I’m sure she would be terrified to work for you after hearing these questions, so you might want to scratch that idea. But seriously there is no shame in creeping on their Facebook.